“The horse is prepared against the day of battle: but safety is of the LORD.” Proverbs 21:31 KJV

Boy, this is an intimidating post to write. Because while the answer might be easy to understand it isn’t as easy to implement because our own feelings get in the way.  It’s like knowing that we should eat well, get sunlight each day and do some moderate walking and strength training throughout the week … but then you didn’t get enough sleep the night before, you are mentally foggy and someone is going to show up with coffee and snacks in an hour.  How do you do all the right things when you are just trying to survive?

STEP ONE: SURVIVE

Literally, that is all I am suggesting at first.  Survive.  You are probably not in a good place emotionally or physically and suicide has probably crossed your mind more than once.  If all you do is survive and you are a “living sacrifice” lying in bed with no mental focus to even pray, if you have accepted Christ as your Savior, you are a child of God and have the Holy Spirit interceding on your behalf (Romans 8:26) and God remembers our frame that we are nothing more than dust.  (Psalm 103:14 KJV)  Just keep on!  Don’t give up!  It won’t always be this way.

STEP TWO: EDUCATE YOURSELF

When you are low energy, low health and low mental function, I encourage you to read and learn as much as you can about narcissists.  This blog series is a small piece of the puzzle.

You can learn:

  • What the green flags are that causes the narcissist to be attracted to you, why you were targeted, what your vulnerabilities are and what type of supply you are to them.
  • That “flying monkeys” are people who help the narcissist injure you by proxy by believing the narcissist and doing / saying their deeds for them to you.
  • The manipulations tactics of the narcissist (listed in the guide).
  • What areas of baiting or sucked into engaging that you are the most inclined to get drawn into. (Doing a favor in an emergency? A direct question in a text?, etc)
  • What the difference is between a no contact relationship and a low contact relationship (which is often necessary with some co-workers, family / in-laws and co-parent relationships).
  • The stages of devaluing you go through under their manipulation
  • The stages of grief and confusion you go through when you are cheated on or discarded and replaced with a new supply.
  • That “gray rocking” is the term used to in regards to how we should communicate with a narcissist in a low contact relationship. You keep your communication as bland and concise as possible.  As boring as a rock.  “Sure.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Ok. Alright. Thanks. See ya. Have a good day.”  Smile and nod.  Smile and nod.  Don’t engage.  Politely exit.

You have to accept that there are people who will unintentionally cause you to doubt yourself, who will think you are mean, who are thinking you are overreacting, and who will be passive aggressive about what you are learning, researching and suddenly feeling passionate about.  They. Will. Not. Understand.

In the past 20ish years, I have had many people that I have felt uncomfortable around, have had to work through a conflict, needed to clarify a misunderstanding or to whom I had to express a need or set a boundary in a relationship. But the six narcissists in my life were nothing like those people, and if I named who those six were some people would agree and others would be shocked.  But I can’t care what anyone thinks.  I know the truth.

But if I had to guess, just the fact that you are the type of person reading this shows that you struggle knowing that people will think less of you if you share your story, AND THAT is where Jesus helps the most in dealing with a narcissist.

STEP THREE: DOING SOME DEEPER SPIRITUAL WORK WITHIN OURSELVES

This next process is probably labelled as “cognitive behavioral therapy” in the counseling world.  It is essentially recognizing your own thought patterns and feelings, identifying them at their root, then figuring out what behaviors God recommends to do in those situations.  This is essentially Philippians 4:8 in action.  Imagine that your brain is used to taking the same path to work every day because that’s the only way it ever knew to get to work.  This step is like opening a map and realizing the their are three other ways to get to work that are actually better.  Then you take that new path to work every day until your body can do it via muscle memory.  It is called brain rewiring or regrooving.

GETTING COMFORTABLE WITH THE ACCEPTANCE AND JUDGMENT OF GOD & SCRIPTURE ALONE

We live in a society that has fragile egos and we are easily offended because we are / were insecure (raises my own hand) in our understanding of God’s acceptance and love towards us.  Because of this, the mindset, “Judge not!” seems to have become a motto.  It is a motto that aids the insecure.  It allows us to be shielded from rebuke, reproof, instruction of life and true friends who meekly come to us for our own benefit.

On the flip side, we have the narcissist who ,for their own benefit, rebukes, reproves, judges and baselessly instructs us from their own distorted viewpoint of righteousness.

But in the healing process, we HAVE to be able to hear false criticism or biblical rebuke and not be shaken to the core to “fix ourselves” just so that we will receive affirmation of acceptance by someone and FEEL better.  The end goal is to be like Paul and say,

But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged of you, or of man’s judgment: yea, I judge not mine own self. For I know nothing by myself; yet am I not hereby justified: but he that judgeth me is the Lord.  Therefore judge nothing before the time, until the Lord come, who both will bring to light the hidden things of darkness, and will make manifest the counsels of the hearts: and then shall every man have praise of God.1 Cor. 4:3 -5 KJV

We have to get comfortable resting in God who judgeth righteously.  Like Jesus in 1 Peter 2:20-24

20 For what glory is it, if, when ye be buffeted for your faults, ye shall take it patiently? but if, when ye do well, and suffer for it, ye take it patiently, this is acceptable with God. 21 For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps: 22 who did no sin, neither was guile found in his mouth: 23 who, when he was reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but committed himself to him that judgeth righteously: 24 who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed. 

We were CREATED to please God.  That is our ONLY PURPOSE.

Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created. Revelation 4:11

But on top of that, once we are saved and in Christ, we are accepted.  Even if we fail we are accepted.  Even if we are too sick to serve, we are accepted.  Even if we are barely staying alive as a living sacrifice day to day, we are accepted.  Not because of who we are or what we offer, but because of HIS goodness.

Wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved. in whom we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace; Ephesians 1:6-7

Even more, God considers us valuable and wants us to share our heart with Him.  We are not a burden.

Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah. 62:18

But as we pour out before him, He will help us to allow ourselves to feel (which is hard after prolonged and inescapable trauma) and get comfortable with our feelings.  We need to acknowledge what feelings are appropriate for the treatment we received by the abuser.  Those feelings are okay.  Feelings are a HELP for us to see what is good and what is not good.  Some feelings hurt but those feelings can also be a tool if we are willing to find out what is really causing the hurt.  The feeling is just a tool to help us.  Relax, cry, release the overwhelm and ask the next types of questions to yourself.

RECOGNIZING AND IDENTIFYING YOUR FEELINGS AND THEIR ROOT CAUSE

  1. Is the feeling resentment? They robbed you of a safe childhood, a loving marriage, a nice holiday with the family, a dream job? Why do you resent them?  What did you really lose?  It’s okay to grieve that loss and release the resentment.
  2. Is the feeling fear that we have to keep doing better, giving more, investing our all, overlooking cheating, pretend ghosting didn’t happen or walking on eggshells to keep people in our lives?  Knowing that God loves you and accepts you is different than believing it in your heart and ACCEPTING THAT GOD IS ENOUGH and finding rest in it.  This is especially difficult if you are bitter at God for allowing your suffering.
  3. Is the feeling loss?  Loss of the family (flying monkeys) that might reject you if you break contact?  Loss of the time you were tricked into thinking they were a friend?  Loss of health from chronic stress? Loss of financial stability? Loss of the good father / mother /spouse / child / grandparent / sibling relationship that you will never have?
  4. Is the feeling anger that life takes extra effort because you don’t know how to trust people, trust your own decisions, focus on completing things on your own because your brains chemicals have been hi-jacked by stress for years, read your own emotions, believe your own thoughts, or look people in the eye?
  5. Is the feeling guilt or shame because of choices you have made when you were self protective, feeling helpless, self soothing, reacting in anger, seeking comfort or love in the wrong ways, lashing out, rejecting innocent people, or engaging in sinful behaviors to find escape?
  6. Is the feeling loneliness because we don’t know how to be a friend or receive friendship that is based on someone accepting us.  Do you push people away because you think their kindness isn’t real?  Do you not invite people over because you assume they don’t want to?  Do you apologize for engaging in conversation because you assume they are tired of you?
  7. Is the feeling disgust because of things you have done under pressure, fear or manipulation?  It physically makes you want to move, fidget or walk because you are trying to escape the ick that comes over you?

There are two separate thought processes to go through.

  1. It is one thing to say, “I forgave them,” or “I am choosing to not be bitter.” – Releasing the person of control (not of responsibility).
  2. It is a whole other thing to realize the FEELING you are still holding onto. – Allowing the feeling the person triggers and finding the solution to the roots of the feelings.

WORKING THROUGH REAL GUILT AND IDENTIFYING FALSE GUILT FEELINGS

When we have sinned in response to our situation, we can confess that and forsake them and they will be forgiven. (1 John 1:9 KJV)

  1. If we have sinned against a person, we can write a note of apology for the offense or go to them personally. (Matthew 5:23-24 KJV) (I wouldn’t recommend talking to the narcissist and apologizing, but maybe write them a letter and apologize and then put the letter in an envelope somewhere but don’t give it to the narcissist unless there is absolutely no way this will restore contact or communications. But either way, they WILL use this as a tool against you.  You just be right with God and not care about them.)
  2. For me, journaling my prayers and finding the Scriptures that speak to my situations has been helpful to give me truth to cling to once I identify my root feelings and thought processes.
  3. Finding counsel from someone who has also recovered from narcissist abuse especially if they have done so Biblically and have Bible supporting their advice.

STEP FOUR: DOING SOME DEEPER BRAIN / NERVOUS SYSTEM HEALING WITHIN OURSELVES

I am a biblical counselor who believes in a holistic view of health.  I believe that the body impacts your spiritual well being and the spiritual battles impact your health.  These are some things that I recommend you look into in your journey.  I am not a medical doctor, but I do believe we need to be an advocate for our own health.  You CAN heal and a lifetime of prescriptions isn’t your only option.  I encourage you to educate yourself and find confidence in truth. (Pretty much, narcissist proofing yourself is the same as proofing yourself against a medical system that is built to get your money and keep you as a patient.)

  1. If your situation was compounded with physical abuses or just prolonged exposure to the narcissist, your brain might have some underdeveloped or non-functioning sections.
    This is because under trauma (where the body rightly reacts with the fight-or-flight response) when we can’t escape, the brain begins protecting us by blacking out OR it gets stuck and tries to “fix” the problem and you relive and relive the instance trying to find a solution.  Either way, the result is 1). A part of a brain that stops functioning and speaking to other parts of the brain OR 2). It goes in overdrive, drains your adrenals & thyroid of necessary minerals and diverts energy away from the parts that keep you living your normal life.
  2. I have heard that brain impulse stimulations like Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) can be helpful connecting your brain with your emotions.  They trigger the underdeveloped or frozen portion of your brain while you are asked leading questions about your trauma.  You think through your situation cognitively and the gentle brain stimulations connect your thoughts with the needed emotional centers of your brain.  The harmony of your thought and emotions allows your brain to recognize that you are safe and the situation is resolved.
  3. In addition, there is brain physical therapy where activities are given to you that stimulate and grow underdeveloped portions of your brain due to trauma or neglect.  They are done via something that looks like a video game, but controlled completely by brain transmitters.
  4. You WILL have to restore your health.  Auto-immune disease is very common with prolonged narcissist exposure because the stress depletes you body if the minerals and neuro-chemicals it needs to feel safe and enter into the rest-and-recover phase of your day.  Anxiety medication is often prescribed to increase the Gaba in your body for this exact reason.  Learning to calm your nervous system and restore your endocrine health is an important step. I did a whole video series on endocrine / nervous system health here.)

5. IN CONCLUSION

Even when I show you how Jesus dealt with narcissists, if you don’t do the important work within yourself to gain confidence and a sound mind through truth and education and UNLEARNING the lies you have been told, it will be very difficult to stand up for truth.

We just don’t want people to not like us or think ill of us, and even if we know we should break all contact with someone, we still might not do it because someone will misunderstand or be offended or be hurt.

YOU HAVE TO be okay knowing that God knows the truth and that that is all that matters.

God sees.  God knows.  God cares.

Sincerely,

Melissa