In these last days of pregnancy I wanted to write a little bit about how Colton’s story came about. I hope it is something he can read as he grows older to see how special his life is to God and us.
His story probably started in 2010. I had had Charlotte that year and was going through what I call “the dark days.” It was not a post-partum thing, it was a nine month spiritual battle. I know now that it was a time of some spiritual lessons that have been life changing, but Satan’s forces were also at work throwing fiery darts of deceit and discouragement daily. I didn’t know what was real in my mind. I just claimed the verse, “Commit thy works unto the Lord and thy thoughts shall be established.”
In the midst of that time, as a family we had been seeing that some of the desires of our heart seemed hopeless and a wonderful missionary gave the advice, “Ask the Lord to grant those desires or to make them go away.”
That is where Colton’s story comes in.
I am a planner and as far as I can remember I have ALWAYS wanted four children; no more, no less. I wanted an even number of children so that no one would be left out without a buddy to rally them on. Four just always seemed reasonable. Rick completely agreed and we felt that way since before we were married.
Well, we were busy praying every day that God would either grant us our desires or change them about one topic. God didn’t really take away the original desire, but around that time it seemed we were inundated with people with REALLY LARGE families, much like the Duggar family. We really enjoyed their fellowship and listened to their reasons for having large families. Our view of children and the joy they bring just blossomed.
God started to place into our hearts a desire for a larger family. We didn’t really know what that meant to us, but we knew that as our pastor has said, We wanted to have “as many as we could take care of.” Rick has been known to say, “If I could take care of them, I would have ten.”
A family with three girls and along came our fourth … the boy we always wanted. Finally, the boy we had named five years before was here. Our sweet Silas Richard.
I can’t say we didn’t still want a large family, but there we were content and there were some fears in us.
We have a 1300 sq. ft house. Three girls were already stacked in a room and Silas’ room was perfect for a little boy. We fit just right. If we brought another child into our home and it was a girl …. where would we put her?
I was taxed to my mental managing skills. How could I love and cherish and manage another child and still take care of the ones we had?
Rick wasn’t sure if we could properly “take care of” another child in our current position. So, wait it was.
It had been about two years since I had been pregnant and this was a long time for me. HA! My maternal instinct started kicking in and I struggled with the idea of this “desire” for a larger family. Why would God CHANGE our desires if not to fulfill them?
I remember Rick and I decided on a whim to “go for it.” Then very quickly recanted. I have always been a fertile myrtle and thought for sure that I was going to be pregnant anyway. Around the time I would be able to see if I was pregnant I started some very odd bleeding. (Sorry for the TMI, but it is important to the story). I thought, “Oh no! This was my one shot and now I am miscarrying.”
It was a quite heartbreaking time for me. I bled for two weeks. My desire may have been granted and now it was being taken away. What was God doing?
At this time I remember listening to song after song about trusting God and “The Shepherd’s Point of View.” I cried for days and days until I knew for sure that I was not pregnant.
Then you know what? The next month I found out I was pregnant. What a surprise! I felt like Sarah and just wanted to laugh. Would God grant me this joy?
It was not our own doing. It was God’s. It was not on a “whim.” It was not “our understanding.” It was just a gift. I think God had mercy on my poor mother’s heart and heard my tears and just gave me a gift. I am so glad He did it that way.
This has been a hard pregnancy. Harder than I could have imagined. Four children, homeschooling, and barely being able to walk, sleep or function for most of it. Had it been our doing, I would have been in perpetual doubt. I would have felt tremendous guilt for the burden I had become. BUT I KNEW IT WAS GOD! I knew this baby was His gift; His doing.
As Mary the mother of Jesus “pondered in her heart” I too have pondered some things.
Did God give us the desire in our heart for a larger family just to break our “four child” thinking?
Did He do it so that He could bless us with one more boy … a much needed brother?
Did He do it so that as I struggled with growing this child I could see His hand every step of the way?
Did He do it because He has a special life plan for this “bonus child” as Rick likes to call him?
Whatever the reason, I know that Colton (at least we think it’s a boy) IS God’s gift.
I don’t know if we will ever have any more, but I am so thankful that God changed our heart’s desire, and went the extra mile by miraculously giving us this gift … even if it was for just ONE more.
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