A friend was just telling me today about the BTK serial killer.  He is a narcissist, but he didn’t get caught until his daughter was 26.  She said he was actually a good father and people considered him polite and good natured and he was the elected head at his church council.

He got caught in 2005, when after a hiatus in killing, people were starting to forget about him and someone was writing a book about the killings.  This inspired his narcissistic desire and he killed again.  He was caught because he needed to be admired and he sent a floppy disk to a Kansas TV station which was then traced to a computer at his church.  He has previously said that lust and a desire for fame and power drove him to murder.

His wife said she was in the dark about her husband’s true nature for over 30 years. He had managed to maintain the appearance of a devoted family man while carrying out his heinous crimes.  She was shocked when he was caught. How could the man she had loved for over three decades be responsible for such evil deeds?  His two children said their childhood was “normal.”  Since his arrest, his (now) ex-wife, even still, has struggled to accept her husband’s true nature.

How could this happen?  How could no one see who this man really was, even his own family?  Such is the way of the covert narcissist hiding in the church.

This study of covert narcissism is a complex topic about very simple people.  They aren’t unique, are often not exceptional, (except at manipulation – which is why they need to acquire excellent people), and they are anything but the masterminds they want people to believe they are.  The Bible speaks very little about them other than to some basic guidelines that can be summed up with “Don’t waste your time or effort on them.”  Their greatest advantage is just lack of public information about the basic things they all have in common.  This is why I shared 11 of their traits in my blog on The Characteristics of a Narcissist.

In this post I want to cover 2 things:

  1. The identifying manipulation tactics of a covert narcissist.
  2. Why covert narcissists are drawn to churches.

Identifying a covert narcissist

In summary, a covert narcissist is one who subtly ebbs away your sense of self. This leaves you asking yourself:

  • What is wrong with me? Why am I feeling so confused? What did I do wrong?
  • This doesn’t add up – did I really do that?  Am I really what they say I am?
  • Why didn’t they respond to my call? I must have done something to offend them.
  • When they makes jokes like that I feel like they are belittling me.  I wish I could say something but I know it won’t go well.
  • They say that everyone knows I am like this and I am lucky they are giving me another chance.  Maybe they are right.
  • Everyone else thinks they are great.  How could I feel this way about them?  I am such a bad person.  I should just not bring it up.
  • From their perspective, I can see why they are upset even if I didn’t really do what they are saying.  Maybe I could just explain myself so they understand, then they would stop believing this about me.  They treated me really well before this.  Once they understand it will be fine again.

Eventually, especially if you have been in an unresolved and unidentified narcissistic relationship pattern before (and we often have), you come to this next mindset: loss of sense of self.

I truly am a bad person.  I need to rethink what I believed about myself.  How could I have not seen this about myself before?  Oh Lord, help me to be a better, more submissive, less selfish: child, spouse, church member, employee, girl/boyfriend, parent, etc.  I will just apologize and try to do better next time.

I literally am brought to tears writing this because I know it hurts, but there is hope to find the mercy, goodness, and gentle love of God that is not bound up in your performance, perfectionism, efforts, or failures.  He loves you because HE IS GOOD.  There is nothing you can do that would make Him love you less and nothing you can do that will make Him love you more.  Even before salvation, He loved us when we were His enemies.  Accepting Christ’s gift of paying the penalty of our sins makes us forgiven.  Once saved, God accepts us because He only sees His child (you) clothed in the righteousness of His Son Jesus.  There is rest in that and such peace.

That being said, narcissists are liars and only reveal their proud & controlling nature to those they feel good prospects, assets, or supply.

Narcissistic supply is a form of psychological addiction where the narcissist requires–and even demands–limitless special treatment, admiration, importance, or validation to feed their sense of entitlement and self-centeredness.

IDENTIFYING TACTICS

  1. Charm – This narcissistic mask is used as a tool to build a carefully tailored persona in order to befriend people who they will later use for supply.  As you read in my initial story of the serial killer, you can see that this mask can worn for years and will only be taken off for their victims.  This is why the victim seems crazy and the narcissist’s story about them is so believable.  Why would they believe that someone so charming, so friendly, whose family loves them and who does so much good for others (and even you) … why would they do the weird things you are claiming?  You just look paranoid, anxiety ridden, unstable, and championing some witch-trial against “a really great person”.
  2. The silent treatment – Also known as ghosting and stonewalling.  This is a way to make you begin to doubt yourself and wonder “What did I do wrong?”  It causes them to gain the upper hand in the situation and figure out how much mistreatment you are willing to put up with.  By the time they “grace you with their response” you have probably apologized several times with every tiny thing you may (or may not) have determined you did wrong.  They don’t even care what you did wrong, but once you have apologized for things, they now have information to use as a weapon against you in the future.  Again, this gives them the upper hand to be able to control you.
  3. Ignoring you – You need to address something with them.  You have a legitimate need, but they don’t really have the time.  Sometimes, they pretend not to hear you or understand your request or “it slipped their mind”. They will even intentionally not do something after they said they would and express anger or exasperation if it is mentioned. They are completely aware that this is aggravating behavior, but it keeps you “needing them” and you have to keep coming back to them over and over until their “less important things” aren’t in the way.  Often they won’t ever help you or listen unless they need to begin the “love bombing phase” again, or if their neglect becomes evident to someone they need to keep impressed.
  4. Baiting (reactive abuse) – Pushing the victim to react with anger and then placing blame regarding their anger issues.  Sometimes the victim will try to explain themselves, but during the adrenaline pumping, fight-or-flight reaction their thinking isn’t clear.  In a moment of courage or vulnerability, knowing they may never get another chance, they say things they would never normally say or in a way they would never normally say it. The narcissist then has their next weapon to use against the victim.  They will pull it out to gaslight (baselessly accuse) the victim to themselves or in their smear campaign against them to others.
  5. Playing the victim – The narcissist usually has their initial victimhood story.  This was the springing off point in their narcissist life.  If you watch them long enough, it will come up in almost every conversation they have with new people (supplies). But they also gain additional victimhood stories throughout their life of broken relationships with family members, bosses, spouses, co-workers, friends, and pastors.  It is true they have many broken relationships, but they can never see that THEY are the common factor in these stories because they paint the others in such a believably bad light.  The empathetic, caring person feels bad for them and wants to help and even protect them. This is a control tool to garner emotions and evoke sympathy.  It is especially effective with people who only feel comfortable in relationships where they can bring value by being a “help.”  This is labelled as co-dependency.
  6. Cutting jokes – Off-handed jokes are designed to make the victim feel bad. There is a little bit of truth in everything they joke about, but twisted just enough to make you feel defensive.  The humor is used to tease and belittle someone, and it keeps you unable to respond with depth because it isn’t really the time or place to address it.  You know they would say,  “Why are you being so serious?  Why do you have to be this way?  Why can’t you just take a joke?  Why do you have to make everything a big deal?”  They might reply with a “Just joking,” but this is an insincere attempt to keep them “guilt free” while achieving their objective of causing you pain and keeping themselves in the superior position emotionally and spiritually.
  7. Name calling, baseless accusations of your character (gaslighting), constant criticism, and unfavorable comparisons – This is typically done in private through texts and behind-closed-door conversations, but sometimes if they need a power play to humiliate and isolate you it’s done online or in front of family or friends.  But they choose their audience.  The odds will be stacked in their favor with people they have already duped (flying monkeys).
  8. Increasingly antagonistic when you create boundaries or set priorities they don’t control – If you are unwilling to communicate with them when they are hostile, angry, or belittling, you will be chastised in some form.  If you decide how you want to prioritize your schedule and it doesn’t put their needs first, you will be made to pay.  If you communicate with people that they demanded that you triangulate through them, you will hear about it.  Control and rigidity emerges when you don’t go along with their plan.  Even if they pretend to go along with agenda, it is because they are biding their time until they can write your agenda.
  9. Triangulation and controlling the conversation – The consummate middle man.  If a narcissist is going to communicate something (not just dodge and deflect), they are the one who are going to instigate the conversation.  They conversation isn’t going to be about their behavior or faults but about yours.  But triangulation is a way to keep other people from trusting or communicating clearly with each other.
    1. If two people have a problem with each other – the narcissist steps in to help.  They need him to “be their friend” and in turn, he makes sure that he controls what people know about each other.  They will talk to him and then talk to the other person “for them” and vice-a-versa.  They are the tip of the triangle being sure to keep the two other parties apart.  Separation and isolation are necessary to keep the victim(s) from having a sense of truth.
    2. If someone needs a favor from someone else – the narcissist offers to be the go-between.  “They know that other person well and they will listen to them more than you.”  This keeps you needing them AND they can also misrepresent you to the other person or the other person to you.  You might end up not trusting the person from whom you needed the favor because of something “they said about you.”  You now REALLY NEED the narcissist to be your go-between and they have just what they want: POWER.-
    3. If you are in a group setting and there is a conflict, they will pick and choose who gets to talk and redirect the conversation to what they feel needs to be said.  They often will be “the expert in the room” and the people who actually need to clearly speak don’t get a chance.  The meeting is finished and nothing was really accomplished except the narcissist probably made you feel unheard, uncertain, unresolved and guilty.

The narcissist often starts with one of these tactics to test how much you will hold them accountable, how far they can mistreat you and how easily they make you compliant and then over time the emotional manipulation and mental distortion continues to worsen.  Once they feel you are a threat or no longer useful they will do a final “narcissist discard.”  They block you, ghost you, devalue you by excluding you from every aspect of their life.  The only part of their life you have is the one where you become the newest villain in their private stories (smear campaign) of how bad you were and how much a hero they are.

Now, let’s go on to the question of “Why do they hide in churches?”

Why covert narcissist’s are drawn to churches.

My husband said to me, “Bible doctrine is so important, because bad bible doctrine can lead to people going to hell.  It can also lead people to living in a proverbial hell.”

1. Narcissists are drawn to churches because people don’t always study the Bible for themselves and some Scriptures can be easily twisted to persuade the simple.

Romans 16:18 KJV For they that are such serve not our Lord Jesus Christ, but their own belly; and by good words and fair speeches deceive the hearts of the simple.

Here are some common biblical concepts that I want to place in proper context because they are typically twisted by narcissists (scorners) and their often well-meaning believers (the simple) Proverbs 14:15-16 KJV.

  • Forgiveness is a heart issue.  Restoration is a positional issue.  We do not have to restore everyone’s relationship to their original position even when they repent.  Accountability and boundaries are wise and prudent.
  • Charity suffereth and endureth all things doesn’t mean that we stay in a relationship where someone’s physical being is in danger through abuse, medical neglect or where suicide is encouraged. You can see with the Israelite midwives and Rahab’s spies that God allows situational awareness when it comes to protecting human life.
  • Longsuffering doesn’t mean that we don’t hold someone accountable for their actions. 1 Cor. 5:11
  • “Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord” doesn’t mean that we don’t put an abuser or pedophile in jail. (Leviticus 18, Matthew 18:5-7)
  • Obeying those that have the rule over you, children obeying their parents and wives obeying their husbands “in the Lord” means that if someone asks them to disobey the Lord … they don’t have to obey.  There are limits to biblical authority.  It is better to obey God than man.
  • If an authority is abusing their power, we are told to gather witnesses and to rebuke them before all that others may fear.  This is charitable to the perpetrator (so they might repent) and to the victims.
  • We can love and be charitable in heart to a person while simultaneously having a no (or low) contact relationship.

The narcissist is the scorner, extortioner (emotionally, financially & physically at times) and railer (habitual accuser) of the Bible.  God’s advise is this, “Cast out the scorner, and contention shall go out; Yea, strife and reproach shall cease.” and “But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolater, or a railer, or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat.”

2. Narcissists are drawn to churches because they are a continual source of excellent people to use or destroy.

Here is a list from a narcissistic abuse support page that shows what characteristics in a person draw a narcissist to them.  You will see that these are mostly all  the characteristics that the Bible encourages in people, with the exceptions of the co-dependents, those who have not yet understood their acceptance and value in Christ (they call it low self-esteem) and those who are not spiritually mature enough to understand and set biblical boundaries.

Empaths – empaths are self-sacrificing and love to share and give; a narcissist wants to take so it’s a pretty good match.

Codependents – a codependent wants to make everyone happy and they need the love of a partner to feel loved; a narcissist will spot them in a crowd.

People with low self-esteem – this person doesn’t have the courage or self-love to speak up when someone does something abusive which makes them a great target.

Divorced/lonely (or newly out of a relationship) – this victim is vulnerable from the beginning and just wants to feel loved again; that is exactly what a narcissist will pretend to do.

People Pleasers – those who love to help and heal everyone often give to others and never to themselves; a narcissist will look upon this as a gift.

Intelligence – narcissists seek out people who are bright and on top of their game. It’s more fun for them to destroy someone who is successful. A good work ethic is a perfect target because they know this victim will fulfill their needs efficiently.

Dependable – victims who are dependable are a great source for the narcissist because they will always be there ready to do whatever is asked.

Nurturing – if you are this type of person, a narcissist gets very excited because they want to be cared for.

The fixer – if a person thinks they can love a narcissist enough to fix them, they identify this early and know the abuse won’t be stopped. They do not think they have a problem.

Trusting – trust is shredded into pieces and leaves the victim confused.

No Boundary Setting Skills – a narcissist will begin slowly to test boundaries. The easier they can be broken, the better supply you will make.

Kind – Loving – Helpful – Caring – Trusting – Beautiful Souls

3. Narcissists are drawn to churches because they like power and authority with little accountability.

It is sad to say this but while all pastors are not narcissists, many narcissists are pastors, missionaries, teachers and ministry leaders.

The best cult leaders have a dynamic personality that invokes people to follow them almost blindly.  Not only that, but you only see them at their best: teaching, preaching, smiling and shaking hands.  You also only see them a few times a week.  The same is true for your fellow lay-person next to you.  There are many a narcissist parent (or spouse) smiling next to you with their family submissively (or timidly and fearfully) sitting next to them.

But we just know that they believe the same things that we believe.  We wonder, How can someone who “loves the Lord” and who “stands for what is right” and who is “separated from the world” be an abuser?  We certainly aren’t going to question their salvation testimony.  In fact so-in-so has known them their whole life and their family too.

  • Who are we to judge? I don’t want to be a part of gossip by listening to someone saying something bad.
  • Their child is probably just rebellious and saying things to make the parent look bad.  I could never believe that a Christian parent would do that.
  • That person is probably just a trouble-maker trying to split the church. Can you believe he even suggested something about our pastor?
  • That wife is probably just in for counseling because she is critical and demanding.  Their marriage would be better if she would just obey him and do what he says with a better spirit.
  • That husband is known to “lose his temper” for “no reason” with his wife.  Certainly that sweet lady isn’t baiting and emotionally abusing her husband.  He just needs to love her more as Christ loves the church.

The meetings are always behind closed doors so triangulation is part of the system.  The person in authority can say whatever they want or completely stonewall you and there is no proof.  It’s your word against theirs and who is the church going to believe?  Who is it easier to get to leave the church?

AND THUS THE AUTHORITIES have no accountability and their reputation as a good person is even aided by their faithful church attendance.  The victim is quickly ostracized and labelled and everyone silently (or not so silently) hopes they will leave the church and stop making everyone uncomfortable.

If you add to this the pressure to not just forgive, but restore EVERYONE for EVERYTHING without boundaries and long term accountability and you have a breeding ground for narcissists on every level.

IN CONCLUSION

You probably won’t recognize a narcissist in your church until you have personal dealings with them or until you need them.  It is when you need them that they can exert their control.  But sometimes you will meet their relative and wish you could help.  Or sometimes the person who poses as the victim of abuse is actually the narcissist themselves.  I can think of a few anti-fundy podcasts with narcissist hosts and guests.  I can also think of some people who were actually victims of IFB pastors, missionaries, evangelists, camp directors or boys / girls homes.

The most dangerous time with a narcissist is when you are trying to figure out if they really are one.  Especially if you know the narcissist red flags.  You don’t want to just label everyone a narcissist, and everyone has SOME of the tendencies.  Still, nice people tend to look through a pile of red flags to find a pretty rock.  But if you are SLOW to get into new relationships (romantic, financial or church ministry), but actually try to get to know someone personally and listen to their stories, you will have the time to see them for who they are.  Statistically, a narcissist cannot keep up their act for longer than 18 months if they are communicating or working with you on a regular basis.

Narcissism is very basic and immature, but easily hidden.  The best thing you can do is be educated about them and recognize within yourself where you might be weak and needy and seeking your security, direction and value in relationships versus in Scripture and your relationship with God.  And if it is within your biblical liberty, remove them from your life.  They are irrelevant, insignificant and your own character will dispel their smear campaign in time.  Time is always on the side of the innocent.

I am rooting for you!!!!

Melissa