A LITTLE BACKGROUND STORY

I don’t particularly like drawing attention to myself, but I feel it necessary to do so in this post sheerly to deflect any misunderstandings.

I have shared before that I grew up around a narcissist and I want to clarify that my parents are not to whom I am referring.  We have a great relationship and I personally did not experience this type of behavior from them. I talk to them on a nearly weekly basis and consider them my friend.  I am a naturally empathetic, peaceful personality and in many ways I had a wonderful childhood with great friends, but growing up around a cruel person did have its effect on me.  Not all this list is a direct result of that, but it definitely played a part.

  • In my desire to be accepted, I became compliant and a people-pleaser.
  • I am a fixer and in my desire to help people, I was duped by my narcissist’s “victimhood” and was grieved by the actual victims they created around me. It was probably partially because of this background that I was drawn to Biblical counseling as a major.
  • As a “fixer” I also found acceptance when people appreciated my help and encouragement.  This isn’t in an of itself a bad thing, but I subconsciously found my “worth” in this affirmation and became a co-dependent person reliant upon what I call “The Black Hole of Affirmation.”   That reliance and misplaced value was how I would discern between a co-dependent and someone with basic relationship needs.
  • The narcissist created environments where I was belittled and rejected by others and discarded by them (unless needed) and also at a formative time our church split and I lost all my friends. Those things mixed with my lack of understanding my value in God, fueled my acceptance of bad relationships in my life even when they treated me with the same disregard. I had no emotional boundaries. (My husband is not one of them.  He is amazing.)
  • People wouldn’t believe this about my narcissist, because they only showed it to me, but because of their bullying and at-times physical threats, I sometimes react in self protection when I feel someone is threatening, makes ultimatums, is demanding or has moveable / unclear / unbiblical expectations for me.  This is perfect for narcissist baiting (reactive abuse) tactics.
  • Because of the perpetual stress these high-conflict people create, even when I don’t quite see a person for who they are, my body and health react in a certain way.  I have had to learn to listen to my body and be patient with my adrenal health and avoidant behavior.  God gives us protection through this.  It is a gift from Him to say, “Something is wrong!!!”

In the end, it is embarrassing to say, that although I grew up happy in many ways, I was emotionally needy and wanting to be wanted. I have had (but not anymore) nearly all the traits that a narcissist is drawn too.  Before I knew what a narcissist was I just said, “I seem to have a knack for attracting difficult people.”

Why is this important to this post?

Because I have had first hand experiencing of asking “What created these people?” and watching their cyclical stories and abuse of the simple who believe them.  I am not baselessly making claims without understanding. I have compared Scripture with real life situations I have analyzed, BUT I am not writing about those narcissists in my life.  This is not a post bashing anyone on that list.  At this point, once I recognize narcissists for who they are I just move on and I strive to have no angst against them.

This post is also not my “victimhood story.”  I am not seeking sympathy, acceptance or consolation.  That is not my identity.  I am no different than any other person in this world who has to deal with people with a sin nature.  I write because I believe this is what God asks me to do and I obey Him because I love Him.  I know that I am accepted because of Who HE is.  He would love me even if I failed.

Lastly, this is to HELP OTHERS who are where I have been: confused, wondering, full of false guilt, isolated & intimidated by smear campaigns, financial ruin, custody battles or violence, falsely accused about their mental health, fearful, perfectionistic and wanting to be loved.

Let me encourage you that even if you can think of not one single reason why someone would want to be your friend, God allowed you to be born for HIM because He wanted to have a relationship with you.  He knows we are feeble.  He knows we often feel we have nothing of worth.  But God wanted you enough to buy you with His own blood.  And if all we have to offer at times is merely staying alive as a living sacrifice while weakly praying on our own beds, (Psalm 6:6-10 KJV) He said it is acceptable (Romans 12:1 KJV).  We are accepted in the robe of Christ’s righteousness through the gift of salvation, not of works lest we should boast (hello narcissists) … but because of HIS grace. (Ephesians 2:8-9 KJV)

BIBLICAL EXAMPLES OF NARCISSISTS

The Bible doesn’t use the word narcissist.  It uses the word “scorner” and the scorner is identified by these traits.

  1. They hate those that rebuke them.  They will not hear reproof or rebuke.
  2. They will not go unto the wise even though they seek wisdom.
  3. They deal in proud wrath.
  4. They are an abomination to men.
  5. The delight and enjoy their scorning, railings and criticisms.
  6. The only biblical response to a scorner is punishment (not rebuke), but not in the expectation of them repenting but for the simple to be made wise and that others may fear.
  7. God scorns them and prepares judgments for them.  There doesn’t seem to be justice by the hand of man.  They get away with it.

By these traits I would suggest the following people as scorners / narcissists.

  1. Lucifer (Satan)
  2. Cain
  3. Some of the sons of Jacob / Israel
  4. Nabal
  5. Saul
  6. Absalom
  7. Some rich men
  8. Jezebel
  9. Several kings throughout the Old Testament, identified by Ecclesiastes 4:13 KJV. The king who will no longer be admonished.
  10. Nebuchadnezzar
  11. Herod
  12. Most of the pharisees
  13. And bishops who have been lifted up with pride (1 Timothy 3:6 KJV) also usually identified by Ecclesiastes 4:13 KJV.

SITUATIONS THAT “CREATE” NARCISSISTS

REBELLION AND BITTERNESS AGAINST GOD AND AUTHORITY FIGURES

The devil.  He resented the Lord and wanted the spotlight.  He needed admiration for how beautiful and magnificent he was.

Cain was an amazing farmer but God didn’t see his offering as valuable.  When the brother who was obeying God gave him a reproof, Cain hated him.  Even when GOD reproved Cain, he cared more about his punishment and what others would do and say than he did of what God knew about him.

(Not all, but there are businessmen who are excellent at making money and their wealth becomes their emotional worth.  In conceit [Prov 28:11] they love to look down on and belittle those who aren’t as “successful.” They are excellent negotiators and manipulators, but when questioned about their ethics, disregard of employees, taxes, extortions or railings, they quickly turn into Cains who destroy the Abel in their way.  They need to be the boss and avoid authority figures who could hold them accountable.)

Saul.  He was afraid of man, but found his value in his position as king and warrior.  Samuel made him a victim by saying he would be there at a certain time, then not showing up.  What was Saul to do?  He was embarrassed in front of the people.  God rejected his offering and took away his identity as king. He NEEDED to be king to protect his own insecurities.

(There are quite a few pastors, missionaries and evangelists who become biblically disqualified, but refuse to give up their identity as a minister.  They stay on just as Saul did, but without God’s blessing. People do not confront their disqualification because the “minister” will smear their name or covertly discard them.  They will even do this to their wives.)  

Absalom was bitter at David for his negligence as an authority in the situation with Tamar.  He used his good looks and manipulation skills to draw others to him, to kill his brother and try to overthrow the kingdom.

(Many children have become bitter with a parent who didn’t protect them or seek justice when they should have.  This bitterness morphs against all authority figures and becomes a scenario where no one has the authority to tell them they are wrong.  Every authority is seen as cultic, power hungry or abusive. No one confronts the child (eventual adult narcissist), because they truly were a victim and their history deflects accountability for their current actions.)

POWER AND SUCCESS ITSELF

Jezebel, Nebuchadnezzar, Herod, the king who will no longer be admonished, and the novice pastor lifted up with pride.

Have you heard these phrases?  Power breeds corruption.  Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Here is another one of my favorite quotes: The older you get, the more quiet you become because life humbles you so deeply.

When people are given power or influence quickly as they become adults, even child-kings, pastors / missionary / evangelist’s children, and those who go straight from Bible college into the ministry something tends to happen.  They get lifted up with pride.

They have always been a somebody or have been one for a very long time.  They have been in places of influence and they don’t want to give it up.  It is who they are.  It is where they find their value and acceptance.  Many times it is where they gain power over people.  In fear or sometimes jealousy, people don’t correct them to their face and they become “victims of gossip.”  They too become gossipers telling their sordid tales against the people they are supposed to be serving.

Therefore any true rebuke gets labelled as an attack and another addition to their victimhood.  If their personality or talents are especially charming, they collect fans.  They become lifted up with pride and fall into the condemnation of the devil, but even they don’t know it because everyone loves them.  And those who don’t are too afraid to say anything.

This is why God warns against these things.  As we age and life humbles us, we learn grace and compassion.  We realize that we too are capable of failing and need to be forgiven.  I love the verses in Titus 3:1-4

“Put them in mind to be subject to principalities and powers, to obey magistrates, to be ready to every good work, 2 to speak evil of no man, to be no brawlers, but gentle, shewing all meekness unto all men. 3 For we ourselves also were sometimes foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving divers lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful, and hating one another. 4 But after that the kindness and love of God our Saviour toward man appeared,”

God is hitting all the weakness of the narcissist in that passage: submission to authority, evil speaking, brawling, cruelty, and being meek with their power over men. I love that part that says, “For we ourselves also were …”  Yes!  That is why too much power or power much too soon creates a narcissist.  Because they are the king and at first no one will admonish them to their face, but eventually they will no longer be admonished.  I am thankful for a Nathan and a David.

One last favorite quote to remember as a leader, “If there is more candor in the hallways than there is in the boardroom, there is a problem with the leadership.”

PARENT PROBLEMS

If there ever was an example of family problems creating violent, self-serving, proud people it would be that of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

But I have watched the pattern of two extremes that create narcissistic children and you can see a bit of that in each of the Biblical stories of the Jewish patriarchs.  God says that we are to train up our children in the NURTURE and ADMONITION of the Lord.  Anytime you find a family or parent that goes to one extreme of these two instead of balancing both, the children seem to have more narcissistic traits.

  1. Too much nurture
    1. I bet Joseph would have been an excellent candidate for a narcissist had God not allowed him to become invisible in prison for 14 years.  I am not saying that Joseph didn’t love the Lord, but he was the favorite child, risen to prominence at a young age, a victim or his brother’s kidnapping and filled with prophetic dreams of his brothers bowing before him. The Lord often allows suffering to try our hearts to see if we will worship Him or worship self.
    2. Jacob, the supplanter, and favorite of his doting and overprotective mother.  They schemed, lied and tricked Isaac and Jacob ended up with the birthright and blessing.  It is ironic that God allowed him to be under the rule of Laban to trick and humble Jacob in return.  God has a way.  Again, suffering tries the heart.
    3. Children I have known that have literally become “spoiled” by a well meaning and doting parent.  Often these parents were children of the other extreme of too much admonition.  They didn’t want their own children to have to grow up like that and hence their own children were raised with too much affirmation and could do no wrong.  The teachers, coaches and other adults were always “out to get them” and the children weren’t held accountable for their own heart and actions.  “Gentle parenting children” without the balance of “the rod and reproof” will probably end up in this category.
  2. Too much admonition
    1. Jacob’s sons: When there is a favorite child, that leaves the not favorite child. Have you ever read the curses that Jacob laid upon his sons and thought “Wow!  I am glad I was not around their table during the holidays.”  There will always be children who do not “measure up” and aren’t good enough for their father or mother or both.  The “not favorite child” will sway between giving up and being an overachiever, but ultimately they desperately need admiration from anyone and everyone and will do anything to gain and keep it.  They often will give themselves the “black sheep” label to identify as a victim.
    2. Children of narcissists don’t always grow up to be narcissists.  Some grow up to be empathetic and loving people.  But some do turn into narcissists themselves because they are bitter, insecure and know no other way to relate to people other than passive aggressiveness and self protective, manipulative tendencies.  These are the ones I am prone to get sucked in by, because they truly are victims and I think they can be helped.  It is so sad for them and I hurt for them.

PERSONALITY

In the Meyers-Briggs personality types there are what I label as “The Ruling Class.”  They are any personality with the “T” in their type.  It is labelled as “thinking,” because empathy to others is very low in how they relate to people.  Lack of empathy IS a character trait of a narcissist.  These types tend to be the CEOs of a corporation because:

1. They need to be in charge

2. They can do the firing without feeling

3. They are workaholics and find their value in the productivity

4. They are often efficient (but not always) in managing time and people

5. They don’t mind hurting people (lack of empathy) if the end justifies the means.  They get the job done.

6. Their spouse & (often multiple) marriages don’t even make it to the priority list, so they have more time to invest in their goals and dreams.  They are “successful” in the business world or strive to build a great work “for the Lord.”

7.  They are excellent at finding good talent and delegating responsibility.

8. They have a mean streak due to their lack of empathy.  The often say, “They needed to hear it.”  “I am just telling it like it is.”  They forget James 3:17.

These are all traits that a narcissist needs to manipulate people while believing their own narrative of “the greater good.”  Their “success” causes them to believe their lie that they are indeed grandiose and worth admiring.  People SHOULD come to them to seek their expert advice and counsel.  They get a god-complex, thinking they know the heart and mind of the Lord and do His bidding.

Some people say these traits are genetic.  I think God gives people this personality because they ARE needed in the world, but they need the Holy Ghost to temper them, humble them and bring forth the fruit of the Spirit.

CONCLUSION

In the end, the only ONE THING that creates a narcissist is the inability to see and repent of their sin.  In each of their lives there does tend to be a point where they needed to accept accountability for their action and they refused to.  This is usually the story that they tell each of their new supplies.  It is where they emotionally and spiritually stopped growing.  When you watch them, eventually it WILL come up and it will be rewritten history that only paints them as the hero and the victim with absolution for their part in the tale.

I hope this is a help.

Sincerely,

Melissa