One of my most favorite quotes (said in jest) is, “Well, the most important thing is assigning blame.”  That really sticks with me when I am struggling with forgiving someone who I am “sure is to blame.”  Because it causes me to skip the distractions and focus more on “The One Thing That Helped Me Forgive More Easily.”

DEALING WITH THE ROOT OF BITTERNESS

I remember one time that I was struggling with someone who had said something cruel to me.  I would wake up in the morning, head to the gym and before I got a mile away I was already wrestling with thoughts of discouragement and bitterness.  I was mulling those words over and over in my head and they wouldn’t leave me alone.

I would think of things to say in response.  I would think of all the reasons they were wrong.  I would think of how mean and unjust they were.  I already knew from experience how to deal with bitterness, and yet here it was again plaguing me.

I think that something inside of us usually dies like a seed before those little buds of bitterness spring up underground.  A great hurt and loss can cause this, and that was what was going on with me.

IT DOESN’T MATTER WHO IS TO BLAME

But I did know that it doesn’t matter who is to blame.  Usually things get mishandled by both sides in a conflict, but sometimes it doesn’t.  Sometimes it is very clear that one is “more to blame” than the other, but that knowledge doesn’t make things better.  Sometimes it even makes it feel worse.

What I learned was to choose forgiveness even if they other person never, ever, ever admits they are wrong.  So, for months on end, I had to practice my “technique” .  This is “The One Thing That Helped Me To Forgive More Easily.”

THE STOP BUTTON

I have learned that to forgive someone truly that I need to never bring it up again; ever.  This includes not bringing up in my mind or talking about it to someone else or even to the ‘guilty party’ (if it had previously been discussed with them and resolved as much as possible).

Therefore, as I was driving down the road and the thoughts came up; I would hit an imaginary “STOP” button.  In my mind, it is big and red and bouncy.  It was my way of knowing that those thoughts were off limits.  If I had truly chosen to forgive that person, than I had no need to hold it against them.  Therefore, I had no reason to think about it.

It’s kind of simplistic, but it works.  Now, it may only work for five minutes until those fiery darts started wreaking havoc on my mind again, but then I would just mentally press “STOP” again.  That is The One Thing That Helped Me Forgive More Easily.

STOP, REPEAT AND STOP AGAIN

Forgiveness is a long term choice.  As with most mental battles, it is not a “one-and-done” scenario.  That particular battle took about four – six months until it did not re-occur daily.  Even today as I was writing this I had to choose not to delve into the details in my mind.  Why?  Because I forgave them and it is done and over with.

I hope “The One Thing That Helped Me Forgive More Easily” can be a help to you as you choose to take those thoughts that can control and plague you and “STOP” them from happening.  Put those thoughts into captivity and gain liberty of mind.

Have a great day.
Melissa Schworer