I believe that Pastor’s would be glad to have this insight into the heart of a church member.  It is something that will help a pastor be a better under-shepherd and be less discouraged in the ministry.  

I grew up as the granddaughter  of a well-known pastor from the 1950’s.  I was then raised in a pastor’s home.  I went to Bible College at my father’s Alma Mater.  I then came back and served churches as part of the inner circle and in the church office.  I have seen pastor’s conferences and missions conferences and I have listened silently as pastor’s kids do.  

I remember eavesdropping from by bedroom window and hear a church member give my father an ultimatum and watched the ensuing church split caused when my father did not “obey.” I have watched pastor’s be lied about and tricked.  I have seen pastor’s children attacked, ostracized, and treated with a double standard.

All this happens while a pastor tries to serve His church.  

But then I met my husband and moved across the country to a place where no one knew of my heritage.  I was just one among many.  I was a transplant into a long standing church.  I was a nobody.  And it was in this humble position that I learned these secrets that I am about to share with you; secrets I never could have learned from inside the inner circle.  I am so thankful to God for the privilege of being a nobody.  

1.  We are not a barrier to your success.

I get it.  I have seen pastors come to a conference and the inevitable happens to someone.  

Pastor 1 “Hey Brother.  I am Pastor So-and-So from the town of I bet you never heard of it.”  

Pastor 2, 3, 4 “Its great to meet you.”

Pastor 5 “So how many are you running these days?”

Pastor 1, sheepishly, “We have been running about 60 but we have seen record numbers of 100 this year.”

Pastors 2,3,4 & 5 “Oh.” (Mental note: This guy is a nobody pastor.  No need to talk to or impress him.)

Pastor 1: *Thinks to himself, “Maybe if I tell them of my battle scars, I can impress them” Gossip about church members ensues.

Then I heard this pastor come to our church and describe his first years in the ministry and how frustrated he was with his church members.  “Why wouldn’t they just do what I said so that the church could grow.” the pastor testified.  He continued to tell of his experience (similar to the one described above) and he was becoming embittered against his flock.  Somewhere in the course of that week, he described, it was as if God tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Why would I want to give you a larger flock when you can’t even love the people in the small flock you already have?”  

Pastors, we church members need to be loved.

Sometimes as a mom in the throws of early motherhood I get discouraged and I think, “I want to do more!”  You see, I can’t get out there and spend time talking to anyone about Christ.  I have resigned myself to being a seed sower, not a waterer.  That is because I have five little disciples who need intense nurture and discipleship.  Someday when they are grown and serving the Lord, they (I pray) will be an extension of my ministry at home.  What an opportunity!  To disciple five people as Jesus taught his twelve; by walking and talking and teaching in a close day-to-day environment.

But if I don’t look at my children as people who need to be loved and taught, and instead I look at them as a stumblingblock to my “doing more” than I will lose the long-term growth and depth of those little people right in front of me.

We are those people right in front of you.  Teach us.  Encourage us.  Cry with us when we are defeated.  Be patient when we are confused.  Have grace with us when we say something stupid.  Treat us like your family, because we look to you as the head of our church home.  

We don’t care about how big our church is.  What we care about is that our children have a man in the pulpit they can respect when they are transitioning from teen to adult.  We care about becoming a better Christian and more faithful in our Bible reading.  We care that our pastor is preaching about the holiness we are trying desperately to teach in our home.  We care about being better soul winners in a society saturated with “Jesus” but where regeneration seems non-existent.  

We are not a barrier to your success.  We are people and we are going to be in your town for a long time … possibly longer than you.  That leads me to the next point: We have to pick up the pieces when you are gone.

2.  We have to pick up the pieces when you are gone.

I am so thankful to be in a church where our pastor has stayed the course for over 30 years.  The other day I asked him, “How do you do it?  How do you deal with the hurt?  How can you come here and smile and shake hands and not burn the bridges to people who you know have lied about you?”

He replied, “Ya know, I have gotten to the point where I tell young pastors that ‘success in the ministry’ is not about how talented a preacher you are or how good of an administrator you can be.  Your success in the ministry all depends on how long you can endure the pain.”

He continued, “The pain is an accumulative thing.  You get over one hurt and deal with forgiveness and bitterness.  But then when the next one comes it dredges up the old pain.  So the second is bigger than the first.”  I got the idea that after 30 years in the ministry in the same church that what we call Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can be paralyzing to a pastor.

So, I went back to the first question about “How do you do it?” 

He replied, “Well, a lot of pastors pack up and leave, but what those pastors don’t realize is that the next flock they go to has wolves too.  But what they lost is all the faithful sheep that loved them and supported them back at the old ministry.  So, here they are starting new and trying to separate the wolves from the sheep but with none of those old friends to keep them encouraged.”  I discerned that each pastor has to face the accumulative effect still.  They can’t get away from it.  It just accumulates in front of a new church.  I pity the final set of church members under the pastor when the mountain of hurt becomes so big that the pastor just falls.

Don’t you think it is interesting that I pity the church members of that church as much as I pity the pastor?

That’s because we have to pick up the pieces when you are gone.

Let me explain:  Years ago something happened to a church family that was in a leadership position.  I love this family still.  They were in my “older wiser” category.  But something happened in their family and then they started listening to the wrong things and I saw them change their Christian worldview from the inside out.  With a broken heart, I saw them leave and I saw their lasting influence upon many other young families like mine who followed their path spiritually.

It took three years before I recovered. (Albeit, I am crying while writing this.)  But I spent a few years shutting myself off from people who reminded me of this family and the philosophy to which they succumbed.  Instead of being my typical “A good word maketh a glad heart” personality, I would not make eye contact with people; or I would just smile and nod.  I stopped following pretty much everyone on social media and just determined like Paul, “to know nothing about you but Christ and Him crucified.”

I look back and can see that I went through stages of grief and loss.  It took three years to where I can face people and I am excited to recognize that rather ducking and hiding I want to be that friendly face and encourager that I know I used to be. 

But pastor, if you stay for three years and leave; you will never have gotten to know the real me.  In fact you are going to perpetuate the church member’s “accumulative effect” of hurt.  Because we will still be here.  We own homes here.  Our jobs are here.  Our children are going to grow up here and we care a lot more about our church than you possibly do.

You see, if you come in and bring your staff with you; what is going to happen to my children’s youth group when you and your staff leave?

Who is going to protect us and help us heal when we are left with the wolves that ran you out?

So, if we seem a little bit over-protective and slow to have any major things changed while you are in your first few years; it is because if you would just listen to us and try to understand the reasons we do things this way and see our heart … maybe instead of making that change you feel is so important to the church’s finances or policies or Christian school or youth group … you could hear that we really just need things to stay the same for a while so that we can recover from the last pastor’s family and see if you have what it takes to love us as we are.

Growth comes when people are healthy.  Focus on us as people.  Help us to grow as Christians.  Hurt people hurt people.  Healthy people are strong enough to reach out and grow.

3.  Churches are not Network Marketing Opportunities

Speaking of growth: We are not here to become a large church.  We might become one, but we are far more concerned about if our children are going to stay pure, stay in church and stay away from partying and humanism than we are about numbers.  We are not there so that we can win one and then they can win one and then in the next seven years, you will have a church of 400 people.

I hate to discourage you, but this goes back to the first point of us not being a barrier to your success.  Pastor … stop looking at numbers.  You are going to discourage yourself.  That 120 you reached on Sunday morning after your big “campaign program” is going to go back to 80 next week and the week after.  Those 70 children who came to VBS are going to be the same 30 children from your faithful core families (like me) until your next “campaign.”

Church members are friends with our other church members.  My kids are friends with the kids at church (not the kids in the neighborhood).  My husband works 40 – 60 hours a week, teaches Jr. Church, Bible Institute, Rescue Mission and tries to find time to write books.  When we are not busy homeschooling, working, attending church / church functions and serving; we are desperately trying to invest time in our children but doing it in a semi-permanent state of exhaustion.

I am SO THANKFUL that my pastor is not a numbers guy.  He has never done a “growth campaign.”  We do have a couple of Sundays a year where we know there is going to be a big SALVATION emphasis, so that those limited neighbors or co-workers we have slowly and prayerfully and bravely reached out to during the past year have an opportunity to come and hear the gospel in its entirety once more.  This helps us as Christians to grow as the soul winners God called us to be.

But it is discouraging when that person that God has laid on our heart and for whom we have invested prayer, time and baked goods … doesn’t even show up to hear the gospel.  I have stood in the foyer waiting excitedly that “This might be the day they get saved! They said they were coming!” And they didn’t.  And so, I wave to them the next time I see them (which is probably when I am unloading my five children and groceries from the car) and I try to pretend that I am not utterly dejected and feeling awkward around them.  Because I am and will continue to be their neighbor and I don’t want to push them into church because my pastor is trying to rack up numbers.

There is a slow and steady, relationship building avenue that most of us normal church members (with limited social interactions outside the church) have to take.  It is counter productive in my Christian walk to feel I have to produce.  I would become to my neighborhood what network marketers are to social media; something to be endured until they can no longer be stood and then unfollowed.

Understand that we are not missionaries and we do not have the time, energy or resources to do what they do.  Teach us to be SOUL WINNERS where we are at, and then understand that if we invest our hearts and time on the people that God places upon our hearts that it may be a year or more before we actually see that one person in church.  And yes, we hand out tracts.  Yes, we will take another evening of our overly packed lives to come out to visitation because we are hoping we can reach someone for Christ.  But stop caring about our production rates and stop caring about how big your church is.  Care about us and help us to grow.  Help us to become prayer warriors and faithful in our Bibles.  The fruit of our relationship with God will extend outward to others.  God will bring the increase.

4.  The Wolves are Louder Than The Sheep

Frustrated ambition; memorize that term.  Wolves are men with frustrated ambition.  Sometimes they are passive men with wives with frustrated ambition.  Nonetheless; your wolves are the up and coming men who are ready to jump in and serve whenever and wherever at all costs.  The reason why so many pastors get stabbed in the back by their very best friend at their new church is because the pastor is so relieved that someone is willing to bear the work load with them that they blindly allow the wolf into their inner circle.

God looks for the meek to lead.  Moses balked at his opportunity.  Gideon balked at his opportunity.  Jonah balked at his opportunity.  David was a humble shepherd not looking for advancement.  Pastors would be wise to understand this.  The reason why God said that a pastor could not be a novice was the same wisdom for why you should not become best friends with “Mr. Ambition.”

There is a humility that comes when God benches you.  When I became a nobody, I can now see that I could have easily been the frustrated ambition woman behind my slow moving husband.  I am so, so, so glad that my husband is who he is.  I am so thankful for my pastor’s wisdom.  I am so thankful that God put me in a chair and said, “Sit here and learn.”

Now, I am not saying that Rick and I haven’t been used.  We are teachers and inspirational at heart.  Obviously, we have this web-site and music and books; but we are not out there trying to be famous.  We are just doing what God has put within us.  We have the blessing of being obscure to most of the population of the world.  We reach where we can, but that is an outlet of our personal relationship with God.

In our church we are just average people doing what average people do in church.  I can count on my hand how many times I have had a sit down deep conversation with my pastor and his wife in 14 years of being at church with them.  We are not looking for a leadership position or recognition.  But Pastor’s, I warn you, the wolves are louder than the sheep.

Not only are they louder in their ambition, but they are louder at discouraging you.  When you look out to preach on Sunday, you are going to hear their howls … not the sheep’s silent prayers.  You are going to hear the words that came from that nasty, unsigned letter.  You are going to hear the scorn from that deacon who gave you the ultimatum behind closed doors.  

Be careful of who you allow as deacons.  Deacons are right there next to the pastor, just where “Mr. Ambition” wants to be.    Remember how I told you that in 14 years I have hardly had any in-depth conversation with the pastor and his wife.  Mr. Ambition makes it a high priority to get cozy with the pastor, and he probably has something to offer you that you could utilize; influence, money, wisdom.  If Mr. Ambition is frustrated too long for an opportunity, he will move on to the next sheepfold because he is so hungry for power and recognition.  Patience is your friend, pastor.

 I did not know that I was the perfect “Mrs. Ambition ready to push her husband” candidate.  I just knew I had always been a somebody and now I was a nobody and I just didn’t know what to do with myself.  I wanted to serve.  I could have been self deceived and used by Satan.  I love that my husband was totally okay being quiet and faithful and that God quickly opened my eyes to my own pride and deception.

SIDE NOTE: (And ladies, if you find yourself trying to promote yourself (I mean ‘Jesus’) with Bible studies and para-church spiritual organizations … I would ask you to examine your motives.  You may find yourself as Miss Frustrated Ambition who God has benched inside the church and you are trying to open His closed doors by doing them outside the church.  This is a trap that we homemakers can fall into while trying to ‘do more.’ Ultimately you will have marriage problems, you will farm off your children for the sake of teaching other people’s children and your household will crumble under the mountain of your ambition.  Don’t be a casualty to Satan’s deception.)

So a word of caution: Mr. Ambition is often disguised as Mr. Anything You Need Help With Pastor?  But remember, don’t get discouraged when you find that you have befriended and let the wolf into your inner circle.  That is their specialty.  But also remember, we are still here.  We still need vigilance and protection as a flock.  You might be in the hospital and wounded and the wolves are coming in and biting you while you are down … but we are still here.  We are scared of the wolves too or maybe we are following them because our leader is down and out.  Come back.  Love us.  Lead us.  Let us all heal together.  God gave us to you and you to us.  Don’t quit.

5.  Your Family Loves You More Than We Do

I know that sounds totally awful.  But you have to understand that when you have been in the same church for years, sometimes you don’t even count a person as a legitimate member until they have been there for a year of two.  Church membership time frame is a lot different than reality.  We are trying to be nice and friendly and warm and welcoming, but we are pacing our investment in you until we see how much you are going to invest in our church.  Are you a visitor who is “checking out churches in the area for a few months” or are you going to stick around and plant some roots?

The same thing goes for pastors.  I love my pastor.  I really, really love he and his wife.  But if God called him to leave, I would survive.  Our church would be shaken, but we would eventually get over it.

But your family goes with you to the next church and the next church and then eventually if you are no longer in the ministry; they are still there.  Treat them better then you treat your church family.  Invest more in them than you invest in us.  We will understand, because we understand the health of your ministry is equal to the health of your family unit.

When we see your daughter posting pictures on facebook that she ought not or wearing skirts to church that suggest she has lost her innocent outlook on life … we start bleating.  You think we are upset with you.  Actually, this just isn’t our first rodeo.  We see the signs of a shaky pastoral family that you might not recognize yet.  Many of us give a lot of space and a lot of grace for you to be a man and deal with your family issues.  But if you are too blinded by “growth” and “success” and “changes that need to be made” that you can’t see in your own home what we can see from the pews; mark my words … you aren’t going to last in the ministry.

Satan hates the pastor’s family.  He hates them.  He knows if he can destroy your home then he can destroy your children and then send us church members into the accumulative hurt effect of the rotating pastoral door.

I am an average church member and I face spiritual oppression on a day to day basis as a woman.  Pastor, take care of your wife.  I cannot imagine the mental turmoil she bears as she tries to ignore the scary howls of the wolves all the while fighting off the accuser of the brethren’s fiery darts about you and God.  Here she is just trying to educate her children, serve meals, keep her home clean, exercise, be an attractive spouse (so that the pastor isn’t distracted by the fawning women at church), prepare ladies meetings, travel, and make sure everyone has underwear when they need it. Then you need to recognize that also she bears the weight of mom guilt, grocery bills on a small church’s income, and having to keep her opinions between her and God alone.  

Pastor, take care of your wife.  She needs you more than we do.  She needs to cry on your shoulder.  She needs you to pray with her.  She needs you to do devotions with her.  She needs to know you love her more than anyone.  She needs to know you’ve got her back.  She does not need scolded like a child.  She needs treasured as a child of God and God entrusted her care to you.  She needs to know that you care more about the success of your marriage and love life then you do about the success of yourself and church.

If you are so wrapped up in your wife that you are a little standoffish to the women in the church; that is a GOOD thing.  Be a little standoffish to us; not rude, not unkind but indifferent.  Let our husbands compliment us and you keep your compliments for your wife alone.  It will give her security and it will keep the flatterers at bay.

Your wife has to be your number one priority, because if she becomes a soldier down; then you will fall shortly thereafter and so will your children.  And we as a church will eventually pick up the pieces and move on, but you may not.  Someday, your old church will have so many new members that no one even remembers you except as a brief nod in the church history but your children will still give you cards on father’s day.  Make their father’s day cards easier to pick.  Be that “Best Dad Ever!”  Be that “Dad Who Was Always There When I Needed Him!”  Because your children will always love you more than we do.  

TO RECAP

We are not a barrier to your success.

We have to pick up the pieces when you are gone.

Churches are not network marketing opportunities.

Wolves are louder than sheep.

Your family loves you more than we do.

So there you go.  These are the things I have learned going From PK to Pew Member.  I do hope that you will find this wisdom comes from a place that is first pure, then peaceable, gentle and easily intreated.  My intention is to help you, encourage you and help you to be a better under-shepherd in the call that God placed upon your heart.

Keep On Keepin’ On.

PHOTO CREDIT