One of the saddest things to me is when I hear a spouse continually complain about the person they married.  It is as if they see their spouse as someone who is holding them back or with whom they are competing.  They need to prove that they are right and the other person is wrong or the one at fault.

 

Now I understand that there are at times some truly narcissistic, manipulative spouses and I have done a video on that topic, but generally speaking, the person we marry is just different than us.  They think differently, have different priorities, enjoy different things and communicate in ways that aren’t like US.

Oh, how beautiful and peaceful a relationship can be when we choose to see them as a gift.  We can enjoy and accept their differences.  We can appreciate and find humor in their quirks.  We can learn to offset our weakness by gleaning from their different perspectives.  Most importantly, we can rest in the friendship of someone who has committed to loving us more than any one on this earth.

But this will take some initiative on your part.  Here are my seven steps to being your spouse’s best friend.

1. IT HAS TO BE A CHOICE & A PRIORITY

The priority of your spouse being your best friend has to be the GOAL.  They aren’t to be your business partner, your co-parent, your domestic or financial support or life partner.  The goal is for them to be your friend and for you treat them as such.

So many people have set a “date night” in their weekly schedule because the perfect thing to do is to have a weekly date night.  Then they find themselves frustrated or fighting because they don’t know what to do or how to enjoy their spouse’s company.  When you have such different interests and your goal is the “perfect date night,” you lose perspective of just enjoying your spouse. Therefore the date night isn’t the goal.  The friendship is the goal. 

Rather than having a social media worthy date night, find what you both can enjoy together and do that.  This leads to point two.

2. YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU BOTH ENJOY

Have you ever read the book THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES to discover how you or your husband feel loved? I read it and then asked my husband all the questions for the quiz.  It probably has been the best thing for our marriage.  Once I understood that he was a recreational quality time person, I have been able to see how much time I actually spend sitting with him watching a basketball game or movie or on a special occasion his favorite board game.

I am a conversational quality timer. For me, I need to take walks and talk and share my heart and hear what he thinks about my dreams, goals and deep thoughts and hear about his as well.

We can accomplish this easily on a very non-picturesque date consisting of a walk, takeout and VidAngel or Clear Play movies on the couch. 

What do you and your spouse enjoy?  Do you know?

3. YOU HAVE TO PUT IT IN YOUR SCHEDULE

It is so easy for an entire week to go by and you realize that you haven’t even had a chance to be alone with your spouse much longer than heading to bed at night, and often bedtime can just be that, sleep and no romance at all.  

This is why those weekly date nights have been talked about so much. But with children and a lack of trustworthy babysitters (or a lack of funds), date nights sometimes aren’t realistic.  For us there was a time when we were able to trade babysitting with a family in church.  Once a month they watched our kids and once a month we watched theirs.  There was no weekly date night, but a monthly one was such a blessing.

Now, it seems that those Friday nights are filled with youth activities.  I honestly can’t remember our last “out on the town” date, but what we have done to enjoy each other is at 8:00 we watch a show or game, then at 9:00 we all (kids included) head to our own bedrooms.  This provides a time where it is quiet and where Rick and I can chat or read or just be alone together.  It accomplishes the same things as a date, kind of.  We get to be friends.  We get to invest in each other’s Love Language.  We have an opportunity to unwind together.

But we had to set time in our days to make it happen.  

4. YOU NEED TO ACCEPT THEM

It doesn’t matter if you know their Love Language or if you have a date night or a scheduled time to be alone every day, if you don’t accept them for who they are … even if they never change … you will struggle being their friend.

Why?  Because all those hours leading up to your time where you unwind with them, you will be trying to control, change, “help”, nit pick, sarcastically bite at, compete or argue with them.  This is especially damaging when we have done it for years and all communication is at a stand still or is hostile.

When was the last time you praised them with out it being a sandwich affect scenario?  For instance, “You are a really great father, but I would just love it if you would stop (fill in the blank.)  But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”

Or maybe, you have been hurt and in a way to protect yourself from their poor decision making you continually check in with them or remind them of their past failures.  This has to stop.

Would you treat your childhood best friend that way?  Would you treat your friends from church that way? I bet you wouldn’t, because you accept them.  You have been taught to accept your friends and love them unconditionally.  In our culture, we are taught that it is acceptable to criticize our spouse, but unacceptable to judge anyone else. What a sad thing, isn’t it?

If accepting your spouse seems like an impossibility, I did a video on “The First Thing You Need To Know To Be A Good Wife” that can help you with that journey of acceptance.

5. STOP CRITICIZING THEM & STOP BEING DEFENSIVE

If you haven’t learned how to accept them quite yet, you can at least claim this verse and put it into practice.

“Commit thy works unto the Lord and thy thoughts shall be established.” Prov 16:3

 You can choose to stop the cycle in your actions, and your thoughts will follow. 

If your spouse is critical to you, rather than defending yourself just listen and try to hear their heart and than say these words,

“Thank you for helping me to be more self aware.  Thank you for helping me to see myself from a different perspective.  I will take these things to God in prayer and work on them.”

How is your pride feeling after reading those words?  Did it kick at you?  Are you angry?  I am telling you, it is the right thing to do.  Commit your works unto the Lord.  Esteem your spouse better than yourself.  A wise man will love the one that rebukes them.   A humble person is glad to gain any self awareness or perspective.  They know that pleasing God is where their value lies and that it is okay to be misunderstood or misrepresented or to be imperfect.  Yep.  You might be at fault and you might not, but engaging in the cycle won’t help you to have a spouse as a best friend.

It will only cause a rift between you and your best friend-to-be if you keep up the circle of criticism and defense.

Now, put the shoe on the other foot.  Look at the battle of flesh and spirit we put our spouse in when we criticize them. 

No man ever rose out of under the criticism of his wife to become a better man.

We are to show them reverence and let GOD make them the person that GOD wants them to be.

6. TRY THEIR HOBBIES, EVEN IF YOU DON’T LIKE THEM

That level of belittling criticism can leak over into each other’s hobbies.  Maybe they like video games, board games, hunting, shooting, dart guns, Legos or cooking, but those hobbies don’t seem “respectable” to you.  Maybe you are embarrassed.  Maybe you have teased him or mocked him about them. Maybe they bore you to death.  Maybe you think they are childish.  Maybe they take up too much time and pull him away from the family.

Or maybe, we aren’t charitable.  Maybe we are too proud and concerned with what other people think of us.  Maybe his hobbies wouldn’t pull him away from the family if we did them with him.  Maybe he would take more interest in our interests as he started enjoying being with us.  Maybe if we stopped hurting his feelings and started enjoying him for the unique person he is, then we could maybe, just maybe, be his best buddy.

7. STOP PLANNING THE PERFECT LIFE AND START BEING A FRIEND

All of these ideas are great, but we need to put them into practice and that takes prayer and action.  Truly it is God that helps us to lower ourselves to serve and be a friend, and especially when our goal is for that best friend to be our spouse.  But this goes back to point one and whether we view our spouse as someone who is in the way of our dream life or someone who is our gift from God.  Don’t treat God’s gift to you poorly.  It is disrespectful and unappreciative to God.

When you got married, your spouse BECAME your soul mate.  He became the “one” for you.  There is no perfect mate.  There are only two forgivers who seek not their own.  Maybe though there will only be one forgiver who seeks not their own.  Let that be you.

I hope this has helped you in your journey to being your spouse’s best friend.

If you have any questions or thoughts, let me know.

Sincerely,

Melissa