Proverbs 29:1 KJV, “He, that being often reproved hardeneth his neck, shall suddenly be destroyed, and that without remedy.”

Proverbs 9:12KJV, “If thou be wise, thou shalt be wise for thyself: but if thou scornest, thou alone shalt bear it.”

If you are in a relationship where you feel like someone is constantly critical of you, misrepresenting you, neglecting you, manipulating, lying to and about you and making you mold and bend to their whims, desires and demands while giving very little in return (unless they feel you might leave them) … you might be entangled with a narcissist.

The study of narcissism is one that many people don’t know exists, but when you are the victim of a narcissist’s abuse and you discover that there are other people that are going through seemingly the EXACT same thing it can be such a relief.  You aren’t crazy!

Then, you inevitably feel frustrated because the narcissist gets away with it.  There seems to be no reform and no justice.  They just collect new silent victims.

But I put the verses at the top of this because it shows that GOD sees.  Ultimately there is no remedy for them and usually they are left with very few relationships at the end of their life.  They alone bear the weight of their life.

As I head into the character traits of a narcissist, it is important to clarify that everyone has some of them.  The character traits are just manifestations of pride.  Not everyone who mishandles conflict, has self protective tendencies, is insecure about their value or cares what people think about them is a narcissist.  We all have the same sin nature.  

A scorner (narcissist) is one who seems to have 5 or more of these character traits and will do whatever it takes to keep people from seeing what is behind the mask.

11 CHARACTER TRAITS

1. Grandiose sense of self-importance – Narcissists have to be the best, the most right, and the most competent, do everything their way, own everything, and control everyone.

2. Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love. – They compare themselves with the rich and powerful as if they are the same or able to do the same.


3. Believes that he or she is special or unique and should only associate with and can only be understood by high-status people. – They like to befriend “successful” people, pastors, politicians, influencers, CEOs and then name drop to confirm how important and needed they are.

4. Requires excessive admiration. – They keep people around them who confirm their self image (flying monkeys).  If you even hint that their view of themselves or other people isn’t true or is excessive, they will begin to either emotionally beat you into submission or discard you from their life.

5. Has a sense of entitlement. – People should be willing to serve them and do whatever they ask because of … (and then they list whatever kind things they did in the cyclical love-bombing phases.)

6. Is interpersonally exploitative – They see people as assets and can tend to collect the best performers around them, even other narcissists.  They might be seen as team players, but this is only if they are somehow in control of the team.  They will invest, impress and encourage people to gain their loyalty, exploit them for their end goals and then do a narcissist discard of those who they see as a threat or no longer useful.

7. Lacks empathy – They belittle people for being hurt by their cruelty.  They expect people to shut off their emotions, to stop “making a big deal out of nothing,” “being dramatic,” “overreacting,” “being so sensitive,” “crazy,” “bi-polar”, etc. 

8. Is often envious of others and believes people to be envious of them – They tend to make a habit of pointing out other people’s flaws and how it should have been done.  This makes them feel like they are better than everyone they critique.

9. Is arrogant or haughty – They truly believe they are the best at everything they do and that people would be privileged to be in their life, donate to their cause and be at the service of their vision & goals.

10. Don’t typically apologize.  – They will if it is necessary for their own survival or benefit. – Narcissists don’t feel much guilt because they think they are always right. So their apologies are glossed with excuses about how important they are and how needy you are for wanting an apology

11. Always a Hero or a Victim – When a narcissist tells a story, they typically present themselves as either the hero or the victim or both, so listen closely when the person you’re getting involved with tells you about their last relationship, last job, a friendship that ended, or their family dynamics.  A long string of bad relationships is a HUGE red flag.

BUT ARE THEY REALLY A NARCISSIST?

Most narcissists are so good at what they do and they have “invested in you so much” in the love bombing phases, that even when you do start to add up the character traits of the narcissist and realize they have maybe even all ten … you doubt yourself.

You ask, “How could someone so nice or giving and who does so much good be this kind of person?”  You start to think it is you.  You are the paranoid one.  You are just cruel or critical or expecting too much.  You start to think that maybe YOU are the narcissist.  This is a normal cycle of the abused person.

Then you tend to think, “Maybe if I explain to them one more time how I am not what they say I am and I am not doing what they say I am doing, they will understand.”  But this is part of their control.  They keep you on the defensive and explaining yourself and then they can accuse you of whatever they want. (And it is often the opposite of who YOU are, but exactly who THEY are.)  This is where they need you to be.  It keeps the attention off of THEIR behavior.

So even if you struggle believing it, if it looks like a duck and acts like a duck … it’s a duck.  It’s just a charming, manipulative, kind at times, does a lot of good things for the public … DUCK.  You need to begin learning how to disentangle yourself from them, heal, figure out who you are outside of their lies and find a good path that utilizes who God designed you to be.

IN CONCLUSION

I am working on a “Pocket Guide to Dealing With A Narcissist According to Jesus” that will show over 30 of their tactics of manipulation and how the Bible and sometimes Jesus Himself dealt with those situations.  But I felt it important to share a little bit more about narcissism in this blog series first.

I am so sorry if you are going through this.  It is horrible, confusing and you don’t come out the person you went in as, but you can come out wiser and safer in who you are in God.  Truly, that is the ultimate answer in your path of healing.

Sincerely,

Melissa