You Can't Control Other People's Choices - Life Lesson 6

My oldest daughter has the “mommy syndrome.” She tells her sibling to “give me back my toy” or “you shouldn’t touch that” and then expects immediate obedience. I usually catch the scenario as the younger sibling is screaming and the oldest is grasping the child’s hand and pulling the said item away.

There is a verse that says that “Jesus sighed within himself.” That would describe me in this situation that I have encountered numerous times. But it is a reminder to me of something I read years ago in a child training book.

It talked of a boy who brought a ducky bathtub toy to the table. His mother asked him to put it away. He responded by squeezing it and causing it to squirt all over the table. Some of the siblings chuckled which encouraged the boy to squeeze all the more. Frustrated the mom grabbed the toy, hollered, “Give it to me.” put the toy away and proceeded to clean up the mess.

The boy never obeyed. The mom just bullied him and forced a physical compliance, but his heart was never changed.

For some reason the above story stuck with me. It seems that when we are too impatient for a sincere heart response and we force “submission.” But as our children near the teens it becomes evident that their “obedience” was never their own choice. Then parent’s watch their children’s heart un-mask itself when they are too big to “bully.” (Although, I have seen some parents try to physically or emotionally bully their big children, but again, the child’s heart only grows harder.)

The Life Lesson I learned was that You Cannot Control Other People’s Choices.

Every time, my response to my daughter is this (and I’m praying that it will stick):

Me – Please give them that back.

Her – She does.

Me – Now. Sweetly say their name, say please, and ask them again.

Her – She does.

The sibling – (knowing that mom is watching) Complies.

I proceed to the eldest. – You have to wait for their heart. You have to let them make their own choice. Touching them and touching the item will only get you in trouble. They need to choose what is right and you need to choose what is right.

Me – Is it ever okay to grab something from someone?

Her – No.

Me to the sibling – Is it wise or foolish to reject instruction when someone is reminding you what is right?

Sibling – Foolish.

Me – Now both of you will be disciplined for doing it the wrong way. Then, after we will practice doing it again the right way.

I want them to understand that forcing their way is not the right way. It only causes conflict and hard feelings. It does not bring real change. Only God controls the heart. But I want to talk about that later. Right now, I want to talk about why a child needs this Life Lesson.

Why does a child need to understand that They Can’t Control Other People’s Choices?

First of all it will help them dramatically in marriage.

One of the biggest conflicts in marriage comes when a spouse tries to micro-manage a spouse. It can be done through nagging, manipulating, yelling, pouting and lying. You name it and a spouse somewhere has tried to control or change “the love of their life.”

The problem is that no one wants to be controlled or changed. They want to be accepted and given liberty to become their own personal best as they see it; not how their spouse sees it. It is up to God to mold them and His plans may not be the same as anyone else’s and it especially is not in our timeframe.

Secondly, it will help at work.

When a brooding or antagonistic or plain hard-to-get-along with co-worker sits next to you every day at the office and you can feel their gloomy cloud leaking over to your area, it is natural to want them to be different by changing their outlook on things. If only they would be a little more like you.

This reminds me of Proverbs 26:17 that says, “He that passeth by and meddleth with strife belonging not to him, is like one that taketh a dog by the ears.” You are bound to get bit in the face.

It seems way easier to change them than it is to change ourselves and how we deal with daily discomfort. But what if God put them in our path to be the grinding stone for our life.

Thirdly, it will help with friendships.

I know there are verses that talk about iron sharpening iron and faithful are the wounds of a friend. They are there for a reason, but those are not every day events and certainly are not the basis of a pleasant friendship. Someone once said that it takes 20 positive things to counter-act 1 negative in a relationship.

Therefore, it is important to realize that we can’t change a person and how they lead their life. We can only choose our role, how we ought to act and what boundaries we need to set in our friendships.

Fourth, it will help in parenting.

I already gave the example above about the difference between a heart action and a forced one. While we can provide discipline for disobedience, ultimately it is the child who needs to choose to do what is right.

The sooner we realize that truth in parenting the better we will be at adapting our parenting methods to be more patient with the child’s choosing, more watchful of their choices, and more consistent with our discipline.

Fifth, it will help in being under someone’s authority.

A child, an employee, a servant, a slave, a wife, a husband, a laymen, a pastor; they are all under someone’s authority. It can be frustrating to completely disagree (and maybe rightfully so) with the person who is your head. But we must realize that no matter how we feel, we still need to obey. We can not choose our boss’s choice for them. (I Peter 2 – 3)

What to do when we want to Control Other People’s Choices.

Pray.

The longer I am a Christian, the more I am convinced that God puts us in situations just to draw us to Him. I don’t know why we so easily push aside praying when we know it is the most powerful tool. Praying for someone’s heart, mind, and protection not only is much more effective than our own devices, but it also changes our mindset. We become more longsuffering, patient, gentle, good and more like Jesus.

Wait.

This is our hardest job. We want results. We want the result we desire. We want them soon. But God does not push people. I am often reminded how I ask God to gently and patiently lead me; for I know I want to change, but I often do not know how. We should want for others what we desire ourselves. Time, encouragement and patience for when we fail.

Choose to be content.

Our response to others is just as important as their response to us. I talked about that in the “Act. Don’t React.” Life Lesson. God is just as heartily molding us as He is the other person and learning to be content is high ground.

Php_4:11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.

1Ti_6:6 But godliness with contentment is great gain.

If you can find peace in God knowing that the other person may never change or not change as we desire than you are well on your way to a contentment that some may never have. Just remember that our current wants might not be what is best for us or for God’s plan for our lives.

Psa_37:4 Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.

Pro 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. Pro 3:6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Keep praying.

No matter how annoying, misled, undisciplined, immature, or just plain wrong you feel someone is, it is only God who can change them. It is only God who can protect them from deceit. It is only God who holds their hearts.

I don’t understand prayer. I don’t understand why there is power in prayer. I can not fathom why God wants us to fervently pray for change or help before He is moved, but I know He does, and I know what prayer does. It brings change first and foremost in me, and sometimes I have been faithful to “pray it through” and have seen the change in others.

Isa 26:3 Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee. V4. Trust ye in the LORD for ever: for in the LORD JEHOVAH is everlasting strength:

In conclusion, teach your children to be patient and to make a request nicely, but don’t force their will upon others. Then if they don’t get their own way, teach them to have a good attitude and be content.