In my post on What Creates a Narcissist, I shared what God says about scorners.  I am going to share that list again here.

  1. They hate those that rebuke them.  They will not hear reproof or rebuke.
  2. They will not go unto the wise even though they seek wisdom.
  3. They deal in proud wrath.
  4. They are an abomination to men.
  5. The delight and enjoy their scorning, railings and criticisms.
  6. The only biblical response to a scorner is punishment (not rebuke), but not in the expectation of them repenting but for the simple to be made wise and that others may fear.
  7. God scorns them and prepares judgments for them.  There doesn’t seem to be justice by the hand of man.  They get away with it.

Typically speaking God recommends the “no contact” method of dealing with a narcissist.  They are prolific railers and extortioners, are often fornicators (or porn addicts) and certainly covetous of people that might be more successful and their only god is themselves (idolatry).

But now I have written unto you not to keep company, if any man that is called a brother be a fornicator, or covetous, or an idolator, or a railer, or a drunkard, or an extortioner; with such an one no not to eat. 1 Corinthians 5:11 KJV

God knows that the only peaceful relationship with a scorner is when you don’t have one.

Cast out the scorner, and contention shall go out; yea, strife and reproach shall cease. Proverbs 22:10 KJV

The no contact rule with a narcissist involves the following:

  • No phone calls or texting with the person
  • No contact via a third party
  • Blocking them from your social media
  • Not following them on their social media
  • Not staying friends
  • Not accepting gifts from them
  • Not dwelling on thoughts of them
  • Not planning to get revenge on them

This is often difficult, because narcissists don’t accept boundaries and will often lure and bait you back into communicating with them.   Here is an article that discusses that topic more in-depth.

But in the New Testament you see a little bit more of what to do when you are forced to be in contact with a narcissist.  This is a realm where you try to be “low contact” with a person.

The relationship of the pharisees to Jesus is where I will show this.  I love that he doesn’t call them scorners or narcissist.  He calls them hypocrites, because if there ever was a person who accuses you of one thing while doing the exact same thing and more, it is a narcissist.

DISCLAIMER: Not all pharisees were narcissists.  Some got saved.  Also, not all Christians who draw lines about separation from the world are pharisees.  But certainly, the chief priests and the pharisees trying to tempt Jesus manifested the traits of a narcissist and it is them to whom I am referring.

As I studied how Jesus related to people in his ministry, I categorized it into several topics.  They are somewhat chronological (the gospels skip around a little) and show the pattern of the relationship from beginning to end.

  1. How to discern between a normal person and a scorner. – This is important, because on question that people ask after being involved with a narcissist is “How will I ever learn to trust again? How can I not make this same mistake?”
  2. Being baited (tempted) to defend himself or prove himself.
  3. Setting boundaries and holding to them.
  4. Being baited with flattery and then asking open ended questions on controversial topics.
  5. Warning the simple and rebuking the scorners.
  6. Intimidation tactics kicked in after Jesus revealed & rebuked the Pharisee and Jesus was discarded and set to be destroyed.

How to discern between a normal person and a scorner.

Let me state again, that many people manifest these characteristics and aren’t a full blown narcissist.  But if you notice these red flags, I would slow down and pay attention to their past history of relationships and how they talk about people.

First of all, we need to remember that Jesus was narcissist proof because HE KNEW that He didn’t need to be needed, to be special, permission to minister, or to be wanted by anyone but God the Father.  This meant that when He served, He wasn’t doing it for any desire to be loved , receive status, acceptance or power, but rather to confidently love and minister out of the strength of the Lord.

This enabled him to minister to the person in front of Him and then move on.  He wasn’t there to develop friendships or long term relationships.  Even with the disciples He knew that one would betray Him, one would reject Him and that all would leave Him before His crucifixion.  They weren’t His best friends.  He was their teacher and Lord, and HE WAS a friend Who loved them. He didn’t need them to be His friend.  The Father was His best friend.

Questioning His motives – Do they go to the source or engage in speculative gossip?

I think when anyone starts a ministry or does something out of the box or outside cultural traditions, people tend to ask “Why?”  The same was true of Jesus, but I want to show two examples.

  1. The Pharisees
  2. The disciples of John the Baptist.

THE PHARISEES – In Matthew 9:11 and it’s cross reference in Luke 5:30, the Pharisees had a question about Jesus ate with publicans and sinners.  If someone really wants to know the truth about why you do something, who is the expert on that?  You.  The Bible even says in Proverbs that we go to our neighbor alone (Proverbs 25:9 KJV).  But what did the Pharisees do?  The started sowing seeds of doubt and went to the disciples and asked.  It is a subtle one, but effective.  They didn’t go to the person, they went to others.

JOHN THE BAPTISTS’S DISCIPLES – In Matthew 9:14 and it’s cross reference Luke 5:33, John’s disciples had a question about why Jesus didn’t have His disciples fast.  They went straight to the source.

A Critical Spirit or an Introspective One? 

And he spake this parable unto certain which trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and despised others: Luke 18:9

Jesus typically treated everyone the same at the onset.  In Luke 7:36, Luke 11:37 and Luke 19 we see three examples of people who invited Jesus to their house for dinner.  He went to all three of them.

  1. In Luke 7:36, Jesus sat down to eat and a woman came to wash his feet and the Pharisee was immediately critical of the woman’s gift. He was not gracious and not looking within himself to see if he may be guilty or hypocritical.  Jesus responded by telling a story of the person who owed much and the person who owed little and ASKED THE PHARISEE which one would love more.  Once the Pharisee gave his opinion, Jesus then pointed out the Pharisee’s own faults.  You criticize her efforts but I don’t see you worshipping me as she has.
  2. In Luke 11:37, Jesus sat down to eat with another Pharisee and this Pharisee too was immediately critical.  Why did Jesus not wash His hands?  In their culture and traditions, people washed their hands first.  Why didn’t He do it that way? Jesus responded saying, On the outside, you are clean, “but your inward part is full of ravening and wickedness.”   Ravenous is defined as “Eager for prey or gratification.”  A critic is eager to find gratification by tearing down and destroying others.
  3. In Luke 19:1-9, Jesus sat down with another man.  This man was not critical of anyone but himself and sought to make personal restoration to anyone he had offended.  Jesus responded, “This day is salvation come to this house,” and then continued to teach him of the Kingdom of God.

TWO MAJOR WAYS TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE SINCERE OR THE SCORNER.

  1. Do they engage in gossip and make a hobby of talking about others? Do they base their relationships around talebearing and common enemies?  Or are they be gracious, assume innocence and go straight to the source with questions?
  2. How do they speak of others?  Graciously or critical?  Are they the victim or the hero (the expert, the overcomer, etc).

Being baited (tempted) to defend Himself or prove Himself.

I am so encouraged by reading Jesus’s response to baiting.  He calls it “tempting” Him.  He asked over and over “Why tempteth thou me?”

Jesus was baited in 5 major ways.

  1. To defend His ministry
  2. To defend His motives
  3. To prove Himself
  4. To defend His lifestyle and personal choices.
  5. To be flattered and give an open ended opinion that could be used against Him.

Can you see how confidence in Who the Father was in His life made Him able to not get trapped in these temptations?

  1. He didn’t need to defend His ministry, because He knew that He was about the Father’s business.  No man had to confirm that.
  2. He knew that God knew His heart and was the judge of all secret things and He was comfortable not explaining Himself.
  3. He knew that He was the Messiah and that those who had ears to hear and eyes to see would discern the truth.  He didn’t believe He needed to “Win the lost at any cost.”  He was no pragmatist.  If people wanted the truth, they would seek first the kingdom of God and the blind would follow the blind.
  4. He was comfortable drawing boundaries and bucking cultural traditions because He knew He wasn’t sinning.  He knew that He couldn’t please all men.  There will always be people who say John the Baptist had a devil because he didn’t eat and drink and then would say Jesus was a winebibber and glutton.  He knew He would never be enough for the critic and He would always be enough for the gracious and merciful.
  5. Because He knew Who He was in God, flattery just rolled off of Him.  He kept His eyes on what the Father had told Him to speak.  When people asked an open ended question, He didn’t try to show off His knowledge.  He knew He had to represent the Father and have sound speech that could not be condemned.

Let me give a few examples of how He answered instead.

  1. In Matthew 9:34, Jesus’s ministry was accused.  “He casteth out devils by the prince of devils.”  How did Jesus respond?  He didn’t.  He ignored them and went about His ministry.  But what He did do was prepare a response.  He delayed, let His life be His testimony and probably sought the Father’s leading.  Then in Matthew 12:24 they accused Him of the same thing.  This time He had a sound reply and stated to the crowd the truth about how a kingdom divided against itself could not stand.  A scorner will continue to provoke you until you respond.  He only responded upon grounds of His own choosing.
  2. In Matthew 9:11 They accused His lifestyle and asked the disciples why Jesus ate with publicans and sinners.  How did He respond.  He let them know that they didn’t know as much as they thought they did.  He shared a biblical truth and said, “Go ye and learn what that meaneth.”  Then He said, “This is what I am going to do” and wasn’t intimidated by their skepticism.
  3. In Matthew 12:10-15 & Mark 3:2, they watched again to accuse His ministry.  They wanted to see if He would heal on the sabbath.  Knowing they were hypocrites (That is the important part.  He KNEW ahead of time that they did the same things AND why He was just before God.)  They asked, “Is it lawful to do heal on the sabbath? He pointed out what they do on the sabbath (helping a sheep that fell into a pit).  Then He responded that what He was doing was even better and “Wherefore it is lawful to do well on the sabbath days.”  Then He healed the man.  His ministry was not paused because of their criticism.
  4. In Matthew 15:12, we see again the accusation (this time with the scribes and Pharisees) of Jesus’s lifestyle going against the tradition of washing hands.  It is interesting that they brought it up a second time, but this time with a crowd.  (They need their flying monkeys.)  Jesus wasn’t intimidated.  He didn’t feel the need to change.  He followed the same pattern as above.  He knew how THEY were actually sinning with their traditions and called them hypocrites and gave an example of how His choice is better than their sinning by their traditions.  BUT YOU SEE that He had time between the first accusation and the second to answer informatively and soundly.

This is a pattern that Jesus does.  Throughout Scripture you see a “Two Strikes and You’re Out” philosophy.  In Matthew 18, Titus 3:10 and Jesus’s examples.  They accuse Him the first time and He responds very briefly or DOESN’T, then the next time the accuse Him, He shows them their own flaws and hypocrisy on the topic.  They don’t bring up that accusation anymore because it was detrimental to their image AND Jesus does it PUBLICLY.

The next example I want to show you is where the Pharisees test a boundary Jesus sets and He follows this same 2 times only scenario.

Setting boundaries and holding to them.

For the Jews require a sign, and the Greeks seek after wisdom: but we preach Christ crucified, 1 Corinthians 1:22

Do you know what the Jews asked for over and over?  Yep, a sign. 🙂

In John 2:18, after Jesus overthrew the moneychangers, the JEWS asked for a sign.  He answered that the temple would be destroyed and rebuilt in 3 days.  Essentially His crucifixion and resurrection, but He said He would not give any other sign.

In John 6:30, the PEOPLE asked for a sign that they might believe.  Instead of a sign, He questioned their motives.  They just wanted more bread.  They said, “Well, Moses gave us bread.”  He said, “No, my Father gave you bread THROUGH Moses.”  Then said, “My Father is giving you Living Bread through Me.”  He kept His boundary and just taught them what they needed to hear.  He was interested in proving Himself.

But Jesus treated the Pharisees differently.  He knew they were insincere because He had already tried to teach them and they kept being subtle and accusing.  When they came to them asking the SAME THING, here is how it went.

  1. In Luke 11:15-16 and Matthew 12:24 – 38 you see that around the second time they accused Him of casting out devils through the Prince of devils, they ALSO asked Him for a sign.  In Matthew 12:39, Jesus said, “An evil and adulterous generation seeketh after a sign; and there shall no sign be given to it, but the sign of the prophet Jonas:”  He kept the same stance.  He would not give any other sign other than them accepting the crucifixion and resurrection.  BUT THIS TIME it came with a scolding.
  2. In Mark 8:11-12 they asked Him again and I love what He did.  He sighed deeply within His spirit.  Amen!  It is exhausting emotionally.  He ask “Why doth this generation seek after a sign?”  It is so wearisome.  WHY do to the narcissists keep pushing and accusing and trying to get you to prove yourself?  Then He plainly said, “There shall no sign be given unto this generation.”  THEN HE LEFT.

He started at the beginning with the Jews, then the general people (two times) then the Pharisees (two times) and in the end He just got shorter and shorter with His response and departed without any conversation.  My husband says over and over “You are under no obligation to explain yourself.”  The narcissist feeds off the discomfort of the NORMAL person and when you explain yourself, they have more words to twist and entangle you in.  Gently smile and say, “I am not going to have this conversation.” and depart.

Being baited with flattery and then asking open ended questions on controversial topics.

Raise your hand if you have an opinion on a controversial topic?

Raise your hand if you’ve ever wanted to share it?

Raise your hand if your remember the verses that say that we ought not bite and devour one another  (Gal. 5:15-17) and that we ought not to engage in doubtful disputations (Romans 14:1) and that debate is a work of the flesh (Isaiah 58:4, Romans 1:29) and that in the multitude of words there wanteth not sin? (Proverbs 10:19)

Who has done it anyway?

Well, the Pharisees added whole other levels of trickery.

  1. In Matthew 19:3 the Pharisees were straightforward and asked Jesus, “Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause?” This was new territory.  Jesus was going to have to give His opinion.  He started by putting them on the defensive, “Have ye not read …?”  But they followed up with the seemingly obvious contradiction between what God wanted and the liberty Moses granted.  Then Jesus went straight to the heart.  It is the hardness of our hearts that cause us to cease loving people.  The issue of liberty is always an issue of charity. (Romans 14:15)
  2. In John 8:3 the scribes AND Pharisees came together to accuse the woman taken in adultery. It is intimidating when a group comes and asks your opinion, especially on something so obvious as adultery.  How easily Jesus could have quoted the letter of the law, and forsaken the weighter matters of the law: judgment, mercy, and faith. (Psalm 85:10 KJV) That by mercy AND truth iniquity is purged.  Jesus again went straight to the heart of charity and their heart of hypocrisy.  Had they no sin in which they relied upon mercy to forgive?
  3. In Matthew 22:15-17 & Luke 20:22, they sent out their flying monkeys to entangle him in his words.  They began with flattery, “Master, we know that thou art true, and teachest the way of God in truth, neither carest thou for any man: for thou regardest no the person of men.   Tell us therefore …your opinion on divorce and remarriage.”  Wow!!!!!  What a way to put down your defenses, but Jesus just didn’t respond to flattery.  He treated everyone the same: cautiously.  They marvelled and held their peace.
  4. In Luke 20:28 you see directly after this attempt to entangle Jesus, Luke shows that the Sadducees came alone and asked about who would have a widow as their wife in heaven if she had married seven brethren.  The Pharisees and their spies weren’t asking and Jesus answered with truth plainly.  After that they durst not ask him any question at all.

Jesus’s response to flattery is not to respond at all.  He bi-passes the compliment and tries to answer with mercy, charity and truth that points to GOD and not our opinion of man: Caesar’s taxes, the adulterous woman’s sin, someone who is divorced and remarried or women as property.  He consistently bi-passes the obvious and points to the weightier matters of the law.  This kept Him blameless.

A good way to do this is to pause and say, “A better question to ask is…” and then follow Christ’s example of the heart.

Warning the simple and rebuking the scorners.

We are so afraid of being labelled as judgmental.  We are so afraid of doing things imperfectly that we don’t do them at all.

But Paul said that when someone has sinned and is unrepentant that we are to have 2-3 witnesses and rebuke them before all that others may fear. (1 Timothy 5:20)  But the Bible also says that we aren’t to reprove a scorner, lest he hate us.  (Proverbs 9:8)  But that what we ARE supposed to do is SMITE them so that the simple will beware (Proverbs 19:25) Also, we are supposed to removed the railer and extortioner from the fellowship of the church. (1 Corinthians 5:11)

What does this mean?  And how do we do it when narcissists intimidate, separate, isolate and leave no evidence?  Let’s see what Jesus did.

  1.  He began by privately warning the disciples of the leaven of the Pharisees. (Matthew 16:6)  He didn’t give any one Pharisee credence by saying their name aloud.  He began by showing their ways.  That is what I am trying to do with these posts.  I am trying to warn people about who they are and what they do.
  2. In Matthew 22:41-46, in a public environment (hello 2-3 witnesses) He baited THEM to declare what they believed about the Messiah and declared why they were wrong.  They weren’t able to answer and didn’t ask Him anymore questions after that day.
  3. THEN in Matthew 23 and my favorite is how it is worded in Luke 12:1, “In the meantime, when there were gathered together an innumerable multitude of people insomuch that they trode one upon another, he began to say unto his disciples first of all …”

THEN JESUS PREACHED!  He preached on exactly what the narcissist is afraid of:

For there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; neither hid, that shall not be known. Therefore whatsoever ye have spoken in darkness shall be heard in the light; and that which ye have spoken in the ear in closets shall be proclaimed upon the housetops. And I say unto you my friends, Be not afraid of them that kill the body, and after that have no more that they can do.”

They will be judged and we do not need to be afraid of them.  He proclaimed “Beware” and “Woe to the scribes and Pharisees” over and over and over.  He preached against their sins.  He didn’t label any one of them personally.  He didn’t reprove anyone on a personal level. Jesus uncovered them and took away their power by revealing their character and traits and pronounced that GOD judgeth righteously and their sins would be revealed. (2 Peter 2:23)

He encouraged the people to fear not and caused them to be wary of people who manifest those traits.

Intimidation tactics kicked in after Jesus revealed & rebuked the Pharisee and Jesus was discarded and set to be destroyed.

When a narcissist has lost their power, they go to who they perceive to be your authority and try to get them against you.  But Jesus knew that God the Father was the highest authority.  He knew it was better to obey God than man.

But in Luke 13:31, after the Pharisees had been resoundly and publicly rebuked, they warned Jesus, “Get thee out and depart hence: for Herod will kill thee.”

Jesus just responded without fear, “Go ye, and tell that fox, Behold, I cast out devils, and I do cures to day and to morrow, and the third day I shall be perfected.  Nevertheless I must walk to day, and to morrow, and the day following: for it cannot be that a prophet perish out of Jerusalem.”

He informed them of His plans and continued to obey the Lord without fear.  Although, He did grieve their hardness in Luke 13:34.

But in the end, He came as a sacrifice.  He continued about His ministry knowing they would kill Him, but He kept on obeying the Father.  He stopped answering questions and they stopped asking.  It became a “no-contact relationship.”

But in the end, He sacrificed Himself to obey the Father and love others.  He served and loved without fear, because He was confident in Who He was in the Father.

IN CONCLUSION

Someone asked me today, “How do I work to overcome the narcissistic traits within myself?”  And the answer is the same as the question of “How do you narcissist proof yourself?”  You have to become very aware of where GOD IS NOT ENOUGH IN YOUR LIFE.  Where do your insecurities lie?  Where are you relying upon your own performance or other’s opinions of you?  Where God is not supplying your need, the narcissist will pretend they will.  They need you to be needy.  That is where their power belongs and then when you don’t obey them, they threaten to revoke what you FEEL you need.

The more you identify your unmet needs and find and rest in how GOD IS that, both questions will be resolved.

I don’t have the pocket guide out yet, because first I had to organize it and write it before I condensed it.  I believe it needs this post first to completely understand the summarized version.  But I TRULY hope this series has enabled you to draw nearer and closer and more reliant upon God.  He is everything and worthy.

Sincerely,

Melissa