I made a mistake, and a big one, and I’ve regretted it for years, but it taught me a huge lesson on Helping Your Husband Be A Better Leader and I want to share it with you and a few other points I’ve learned along the way.

YOU CAN BE OBEYING YOUR HUSBAND AND STILL NOT BE LETTING HIM LEAD

Deep breath, here goes.  Before I ever found a husband, I had determined that I was going to follow him.  In fact, outside of him being a Christian, one of the biggest things I looked for in a guy was that he could tell me “No” in a way that was humble and strong and didn’t make me want to do exactly what he told me not to do.  I truly wanted to be a wife who was in subjection to my husband AND submissive (see my article on the difference between those two things here).

I had seen a lot of damage in marriages caused by wives who were contentious about their husband’s decisions and I was not going to be that woman, and I wasn’t.  I would ask his opinion on things before proceeding and he was nearly always supportive (and still is).  If he said, “No” then I trusted his wisdom.  If he said that he thought we should do something, then I would take the philosophy that I would give him my opinion, but once he decided I would be fully supportive without any “I told you so” if it went bad.

That all sounds pretty good, right?  Except that one thing … when I did the leading.

Before I go on though, I want to share with you the first few points that we hear pretty regularly about following your husband (Eph. 5:23, 1 Peter 3:1,5).  I asked Rick what he thought were some of the best tips on this topic and these are the first two he said.

POINT ONE – DON’T UNDERMINE YOUR HUSBAND
(HOW TO HELP YOUR HUSBAND BE A BETTER LEADER)

This has a lot to do with the submissive part of following your husband.  If your husband is making decisions and you are constantly nitpicking them or telling him a better way to do that; chances are he is going to stop making decisions OR he is just going to stop communicating with you.  A more steady and conflict averse husband tends to do the first and a more take charge kind of guy tends to do the second.

At this point I just want to tell you that it doesn’t matter what “good” you think you are doing for your kids or your family or your finances by correcting your husband after he has made a decision: you are wrong.

I will say that as a matter of fact a hundred times over.  You are doing more harm than good every time.  I know this because a solid marriage relationship will keep you from a divorce and a divorce leads to debt, financial issues, co-parenting, step parents, insecure children, and families and generations turning away from God and church.

So, I ask you, When you husband spoke harshly to your child and you scolded him and he consequently started letting you “handle the children” ALONE is it worth it? Nope.

This leads me to point two:

POINT TWO – FOLLOW HIS LEAD
(HOW TO HELP YOUR HUSBAND BE A BETTER LEADER)

Oddly enough, a lot of wives consider themselves more “spiritual” or “wiser” or “more discerning” than their husbands.  I betcha that’s what Eve thought too.  Yet, if that were true, than why did God say,

1Ti 2:11  Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection.  V12  But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. V13  For Adam was first formed, then Eve. V14  And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. 

THEM’S IS FIGHTIN’ WORDS

Oh, I remember the first time a male tried to explain this passage to me.  It took about three hours for us to finish the conversation and I still reviled at the thought.  I was raised in Upstate New York and New York women have a reputation for a reason.  It is a woman dominated state, and I learned their ways well.

Yet, 18 years later I understand its wisdom.  This is why we must first TRUST and OBEY, even if we don’t understand God.  In fact, while we are here on earth, we may never understand His ways.  They are certainly higher than ours.

WE ARE MORE PRONE TO BE LED BY EMOTIONS

The truth is that we are more easily deceived because of our natural “spiritual sense” and compassionate nature.  We are more intuitive and feeling in the moment.  Men deal with the cold hard facts and make decisions despite how they feel.  They are just less easily deceived.  

Regardless of “why,” this is how God set it up.  The man needs to make the decisions in the family.

This leads me back to my story, and my mistake.

POINT THREE – IF IT’S YOUR IDEA THAN YOU ARE LEADING
(HOW TO HELP YOUR HUSBAND BE A BETTER LEADER)

WHAT A GREAT “HELP MEET” I WANTED TO BE

We were facing a decision about my husband’s career path.  In my natural way, I started researching and asking around and finding my “multitude of counselors.”  With pure intentions of being a helpmeet to my extremely busy husband, I started doing a lot of legwork on careers.

  • I looked at personality tests and what they thought were ideal career paths for my ESFP husband. I wanted him to be happy with his job.
  • I looked at colleges to see how much they cost and what we could afford.
  • I asked my husband his preferences and kept all this in mind.
  • I figured out a budget (which included me continuing to work for a few years more) and he could finish college debt free.
  • Then I presented him with my very exciting conclusion and asked him what he thought.  He thought it was great.  Everyone said this was a good path and a “solid investment” in the future.
  • He became a full-time online college student in the evenings.

AND THEN I GOT PREGNANT, and then a host of other things didn’t go “to plan.”

WHEN PUSH CAME TO SHOVE, THE BUCK STOPS AT THE HUSBAND

Rick is a really, super, duper awesomely kind husband.  We both learned from our mistake. 

He realized that all my research was really nice, but that it was all MY research.  He hadn’t struggled in prayer as much as he wished he had.  He hadn’t looked at the pros and cons and what would happen if my nicely laid plan fell through.  In fact, there were some other fields he might have liked better, but I had picked the one I THOUGHT he would really like. (My intentions were good and sincere).  

Then there was the matter that I was pregnant and all those “paid in cash” things weren’t going to work like we thought.  

Now he was facing getting a job in an field where he had no internship possibilities and paying off this huge loan with a child on board all due to the entire situation I HAD INITIATED.  The buck stopped at Rick.

HOW MANY WIVES HAVE GREAT INTENTIONS AND NO PATIENCE

Since then, I have seen this underlying theme happen in different ways in different marriages.  The family needs to make a decision and the husband asks the wife’s opinion and off she goes happily planning their life away.

Sometimes the husband is used to the wife doing all the legwork or her being resistant to his leading and so he seems very happy to go with “her ideas” that is until the consequences of the wife’s decisions cause instability and then the husband resents her and vice-a-versa.

Then there are husbands who don’t like to be tied down to anything stable and yet the wife keeps convincing of how “the children would have such a better life if we were just safe and secure doing” this and that.  Well, it makes sense to him and he has no other thoughts that would prove why his “risky nature” is the best plan and so he settles … unhappily … and outside of how God made him.  It all made perfect sense coming from the wife.

BUT WHERE IS GOD IN ALL THIS?

Well, we all know where He is.  He is leading the husband of course … via his wife … his more spiritual and discerning wife.  After all, we have more time to read our Bible and pray.  That leads me to the next point.

POINT FOUR – SURRENDER YOUR DESIRES TO GOD
(HOW TO HELP YOUR HUSBAND BE A BETTER LEADER)

A few years back I shared my journey of how God brought me “From Chronic Despair To Continuous Joy“and how this relates to us as wives surrendering what we believe will “make us happy” and truly trusting God with “the desires of our hearts.”  It goes completely contrary to our own sense.  We believe that “if this happened in my marriage” than I would be happy, and “if this doesn’t happen in my marriage” I will never be happy, and that pretty much puts God in a box.

God can not be put in a box.

Eph 3:20  Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, V. 21  Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen. 

Your happiness depends upon you delighting yourself in the Lord and that alone.  One thing I know is this, God knows far better than you what will fulfill the desires of your heart.  Trust Him and obey.

POINT FIVE – YOUR PRAYER LIFE IS YOUR BEST TOOL
(HOW TO HELP YOUR HUSBAND BE A BETTER LEADER)

We women often crave security and/or identity, and yet when we are married we are bound to mold ourselves to our husband’s life’s plan and identity … not our own.

If he is a risk taker, than we must learn to trust God that He will take care of us even if we lose it all.

If he is a commanding type of man, we must trust God that as we reverence this conflict loving – challenge seeking man and learn that praising our husband and being his biggest fan (even when we don’t agree) … that God will give us the strength to ride through the turbulence that comes from riding alongside your man.

If he is a “free as a bird” kind of man who doesn’t like commitments, budgets or long-term plans, we must trust God that our security isn’t in plans that we can see, but a God Who sees it all.

If he is a calculated planner who wants everything in a row before moving forward, you must trust God that He will lead your husband loud and clear when the time comes … and that He doesn’t need your voice to do it.

My question to you is this:

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT “TRUSTING GOD” IS MORE THAN “JUST WORDS?”

In my article “How To Have Peace In The Midst of Uncertain Times” I talk about just this.  Does God actually DO anything when you trust Him?  I mean, are we just saying, “Well, honey, you just have to trust the Lord” and then walking away?  Is it actually practical to trust the Lord?

There seem to be so many other things that we could do to make things happen.  How can we just pray and expect anything to change? or get better?

At that, I would ask you to start reading the Bible through from Genesis.  I would ask you to look at your own salvation and ask why you trust in it.  I would encourage you to ask yourself why you believe in creation over evolution.  How do you know there was a flood?  Did God really have the Israelites walk on dry land on the Red Sea?  

How often did God do something just to prove that He Was Lord?  

I would encourage you to take this challenge; read through all the articles I have linked and then promise never to correct or criticize your husband again and every time you feel like he is making a wrong decision … take it to the Lord.  If you promise to trust Him and than watch and see what He does in you, and watch your husband become a leader that you never imagined.